The New Year (xaela)
Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2003 ~ 8:29 p.m.
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hmmm . . . . Well, I didn't get here in time to do a "last entry of the year" sort of summary entry. In fact, I'm really late with that. Oh well, things happen I guess. I couldn't very well kick my little brother off of my lap and try to explain to him why I was running away when we were watching all sorts of New Years Eve things together. No one else in my house was up. Both my dad and Barbara had gone to bed early in the evening and David was up in the northern part of the state visiting his drunken friends. Fun, fun. But Josh and I had a good enough time. we played video games til 10, then watched Dick Clark et al before getting bored and switching the channel to Animal Planet. That was much more entertaining. We watched the top ten most extreme animal biters. Number one was the cookie cutter shark of all animals. But that's alright. I suppose it's time for the "recap" of 2002. 2002 was a year of drastic changes for me. I think most of those changes were brought about by a more than mild case of depression. The depression itself had been around for a little while before the start of the year, so it was getting to be something to recon with by the time January came around. The first decision that I made about life changes came about within the first three weeks of the new year. Chris Logan had finally come back to work (after being gone for a month) only to quit a week later. Once he quit, I made the decision to move these three thousand miles (which got me where I am now). I started making all these plans to do things for this move (none of which I actually did) and I made a phone call and told my brother that I was going to be moving in. My plan was to move and get here by my birthday (July 29th), but come June, I had nothing even remotely ready to make this massive life change. I figured that I'd have to call my brother and let him down, and I really didn't want to have to do that, but I couldn't think of anything else. By the end of June, I was so frustrated with work and the fact that they wouldn't give me the time off I needed to rest, that I put in my two week notice and my last day of work was the 3rd of July. Luckily I had been putting money into the stock program at work and that is the only way I was able to make this move. I had nothing left once I got here though. I left from San Diego by train on the 23rd (I think), and arrived in Delaware on the 27th, two days before my birthday. I had originally scheduled a two day stop in Illinois to visit with my mom and step dad, but they decided two days wasn't long enough and we'd have to do it some other time. That turned out to be a very lucky thing since the train I was originally supposed to be on (on the 29th) derailed. No one died that I know of, but there were quite a few injured people. It would have made for an interesting birthday story, but it's not one that I'll ever be able to tell. Once I arrived, I thought things were getting better, and that things would be better soon. It wasn't long though, before I began to feel depressed again, though I know now that it wasn't quite as bad as it had been. Now, though, I feel much better, and I have been feeling that way for a little while now. I haven't really accomplished much since I've got here, but I have a fairly good job with Lowe's, and I bought a car. The next step in this process is getting my own place to live and bringing my kitty cats over. I miss them terribly and I wish everyday, that I could see them. The only other major life decision that I've made this year was finally choosing a path in life. I spoke about it in my last entry, so I don't feel the need to go into all of it in this one. I just have a feeling that this new year will be a good one. I know that I'm feeling better than I have been. Instead of feeling a void when no other emotions are coming out, I feel at peace. It's sort of a calm that infuses every part of me and I almost feel like smiling even if no one's watching. Within the past few days, one thing made me feel very good. One of the guys at work, Shaun, passed me and decided to tell me something that he had noticed. He told me that every time he saw me, I had a smile on my face and that I must be a happy person. I meant to get here and mention that the day it happened, but I was busy (as usual) and I put it off. I suppose the only other thing for me to put here tonight is my resolutions for this year. Unlike most people, I will keep the majority of these. 1. Live I mean this in the literal sense as well as the figurative sense. I had gotten so bad last year that I actually thought about what it might be like to die, to kill myself, even though I also knew that I would never have the courage to do it. This year I plan to live my life to the best of my ability. I'm a new person. I've found something that I can truly believe in and I will live that life. 2. Move out. Yes, I must have been a gypsy in my former life. A friend of mine once told me that because I move more than anyone she's ever known. But I can't stay here. Not when I know that my dad and stepmom know that I'm a wiccan ("into witchcraft"). I need my space and I need to feel as if I can do what I need to do. I don't want to hide anything. 3. Lose weight Heh. I know this is a fairly common one, but I plan on making it work. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I've moved here. That's another reason I need to move out. I eat too well here. There's too much temptation to snack all the time. 4. Love As well as allowing myself to be loved. I don't do that very well. I need to work on my intimate shyness. My social shyness is no longer an issue. Perhaps the gypsy thing is a good thing from time to time. Because of my moving around, I found that I had to talk to people. Now, I just have to open up to people and quit worrying about getting hurt. I guard my heart too much. And lastly 5. Fix I will fix all the mistakes I made, whether they are monetary or emotional in nature. I will pay all my bills and perhaps I'll even send my "personal response" paper to Keith. Another thing to "fix" is the lack of writing in here (and in my old diary if I ever open it back up again), so you can be sure I'll be here more frequently. I think this is long enough though. Who knows. Maybe I'm getting my muse back. We'll see though. 0 comments so far   
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