Rambling again ...
Wednesday, Jan. 17, 2007 ~ 10:25 p.m.

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I'm in the mood to write once again, but as always, being in the mood to write doesn't always mean that the words can leave the safety of my mind. As soon as I decide that I'm actually going to do a diary entry, writer's block hits me. I'm not sure if it's the fear of who can read this and what opinions they have of me after reading my words, or what. But it is difficult.

It shouldn't matter who can read this and what they think. This is my diary and it's never bothered me before. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I live with one of them. I know that's had an effect on how often I come and do an entry because I have never been able to really sit and write the things in my head while someone might be looking over my shoulder. I don't mind him reading it, I really don't. My purpose for writing is to get thoughts out of my head. They aren't things that I want to talk about. (Or if they are, they aren't things I'm ready to talk about yet.)

That may be the whole point to this entry. To get these unreasonable thoughts and "fears" (for lack of a better word) out of my head.

This run of luck with the jobs has really thrown me off. It's weakened my perception of myself and my ability to believe that everything is going to turn out okay ... well even. I put on a strong face about it, but I'm scared. I'm afraid that something's going to mess this up and we're going to be in trouble. I'm afraid because it's not just my life anymore. I share this life and since this has happened to me, it affects Mike as well and we've both been working so hard lately to get things better and it just seems like every step closer to that we get, the harder it is and sometimes, something comes along to knock us back a few steps.

I can't wait to get ahead of things again.

It's been a long time since I felt like this and I hate it that I let the things that did happen get to me like this. I don't like when things are out of my control. I don't have any control of when I'm going to officially start working because I'm no longer involved in the process. I'll feel exponentially better when I start working full time again. Part of what I need is to be around people. I don't like people, but I need to be around them. I need to feel the variety of emotions that a group of people can radiate. I need to feel the stranger's energy and have that glimpse into their life.

I can't do that with extremely large groups. My senses get overwhelmed and I go into sensory overload. And it's not usually in a positive way, but I have until June to find a way to deal with that since I'll now have to work race weekend where I will be right in the middle of all those people.

I feel better when I go out and spend time with people. Though, the longer I'm away from it, the harder it is to get back to. Take the situation with Liz for example. We had a great time the last time we saw each other, but that was right after I was fired. As time went on, I started feeling sorry for myself and somewhat depressed and it made it hard to get together with her again. I didn't feel like she would want to hang out with me ... and I don't really think that's true, but I've been so unsure of myself these last few months that I find it hard to silence that inner voice. I'm usually pretty good about ignoring it especially within these past few years. I think part of it has to do with letting go of my past and the things that went on then. I tend to look toward the future and it was easier when things were a little more certain than they are at the moment.

I have to remain positive that things will indeed work themselves out and that we'll be fine. If I don't keep a hold on that, I'm likely to lose the hold on that shadow that clouded my past only a few short years ago.

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