a long Freewrite
Sunday, Feb. 15, 2004 ~ 9:09 p.m.
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It's been a few days since I last updated, and even that wasn't a very good update. It was the ramblings of a tired mind. All day today I've had the urge to write. I wish I would have had that urge yesterday or the day before because there was something that I wanted to write for Daniel. Perhaps I'll write it tonight if the inspiration hits me. I don't know if it will though, but it might considering what I'm listening to and what I know I'm going to talk about. I'm listening to Evanescence, Fallen. For some reason this album speaks to me, especially Bring Me To Life. It always reminds me of the feeling I had around Daniel when we first started getting closer. The first few lines ("How can you see into my eyes / Like open doors / Leading you down into my core / Where I've become so numb / Without a soul. My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold / Until you find it there and lead it back home") and the first part of the bridge ("Frozen inside without your touch / Without your love, darling / Only you are the life among the dead") pretty much sum it up. I want a piano. I know it will be a long time before I get one, if ever. I've always wanted a piano. I think at one point, my stepdad offered to get me lessons if I would teach him how to play. I really don't remember what ever happened to that. I don't remember if I just didn't accept or if we moved and the request got lost with some other belongings. It's just a passing memory at the moment. I want one because I miss singing. It's one of the few instruments that I can at least partially play and sing at the same time. I'm not great at the piano. I've only ever been able to play both parts on two and a half songs. I used to play the piano at the house in Long Beach all the time. My landlord and his children played it from time to time. I only played it when I knew Andrew would be coming home or when I was alone in the house. More wandering thoughts I guess. I also miss singing. I want to see if there's a community choir at Del Tech and see if they'll let me limit my availability by a night at work so I could join it. I miss the feeling of singing harmonies in a group. I miss the energy it creates. I used to be able to immerse myself in that feeling, and when I was depressed, that was one of the few things that would bring me out of it. Even if it was only temporarily. I think I miss singing more than I miss playing in a band, or a wind ensemble (which was my prefered group of musicians). I worked all day today. I left a little early because I had a little bit of time to cut. When I got home I planted the seeds that I got the other day. With any luck I'll have little plants in a few weeks. Speaking of work, I found out that I didn't get the scheduler position. Ken told me about it and then told me that the reason that I didn't get that position was because I was very valuable on the sales floor and that they wanted to develop me out there. I talked to him a little about that and the reasons that I wanted the scheduler position in particular. Then I took the evening to think about what I wanted and the next morning, I talked to Que about it. I let him know that I've spent the past two years on the sales floor and that I would sort of like to get back to the operational end of the business. There's a possibility that our store will be getting a Vault Supervisor position in the near future. Ken has already said that if we can get that position in the store that I would be his first choice (because of my prior experiences). I talked to Que about how I never felt like I was accomplishing anything out there on the floor. Like I was always chasing after customers (which is really all that I'm supposed to do being a specialist and all. I'm supposed to chase them down and make them want to buy things). I also talked to Que about the personal reasons for wanting a morning job, whether it be Monday thru Friday 8-5 like the scheduler position or not. They're working on stuff and at least they know my thoughts on what I want to do right now. I don't know if Aaron knows what I've talked to Que about yet, but that's all right. I'm not too sure about Aaron. In most cases he's fine, but he can get a little excited, both in a good way and a bad way. I did all my laundry. Linda would be proud. I've talked about doing it since Friday, and each day I've said that I can do it tomorrow. But tomorrow I'm going to be at Linda's for a day or two since I have two days in a row off. The last time I was there we watched Chocolat, and I still identify with Vianne very much. There will be a time when I don't get those urges to listen to some silent voice telling me it's time to leave again. I'm reading the book now and it does have a lot that's not in the book. It's quite interesting and I think that if I didn't have the background that I do, I may not understand some of the things in there. This is an excellent song too. My Immortal. Very pretty. I like the CD version more than the radio version. It stays soft throughout. This is the second time the song has played this evening. I'm not a speed typer. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I was going through my handwritten journal that I used to take with me everywhere and I came across a few things actually. The first was the basic breakdown of Rose's story. It was where I was summarizing all of her horses (which I was going to use as significant points in her life). I was surprised to see that I only made it through horse number 8. And even more surprised that I didn't have the full list written out anywhere else in that little book of mine. I was going to be quite upset if I had lost the list of horse names that I had researched, but I found the list tonight. I found the notebook that I was using as my creative writing idea book. The full list was there as well as the breakdown for the other 4-5 horses. I'll put the full list in here soon, but not in this entry. It would disturb the lovely rambling that I've got going on here. Right now I'm printing out the most recent copy of the story so I can replace the copy that's sitting in the notebook right now. I'm going to take that and an unfinished Sestina with me when I go to Daniel's tomorrow. With any luck, this urge to write will stick with me through the next week or so. Maybe longer. That would be nice. These next few days should give me a good indication whether or not I'm still stuck in the same cycle that I've always been in. The one where up to Valentine's Day things go very well, then right after V-day, things go to hell. My pendulum says that history won't repeat itself and I believe it. It has never been wrong and it's always been consistant with its answers. It's given me answers that I don't like, but it's never been wrong, so I have to trust what it says. The other things that I found in the hand written journal was some stuff that I had written back in October. On the 4th, when Daniel and I talked about us, he had asked me a question that he asked sometime in the beginning of our "relationship." He asked me what made him so special, why him. The first time he asked me that, I had no answer. I didn't really have a specific answer for him this time either. I told him that I had come up with an answer that I had written down somewhere and that I had forgotten the exact words, but that it basically boiled down to "everything." I told him that I had written down pairs of contradictory things that I adored about him. That list was in the hand written journal. During the course of the conversation he had also made some mention about how he was worthless and such, and as much as I tried to convince him otherwise, he didn't want to hear it. And he didn't believe that I had never thought that about him. There's a page or two written in said journal that goes on about that too. It was also written in October when he had started to shut me out. I want to read these things to him. I want him to know that I never gave up on him in that way. I talked to Sabrina last night. It's been a while since we talked, but Friday, we caught each other online and realized that so much had happened and that a phone call was in order. She wanted to know everything that had gone on with Daniel and I told her. She was quite surprised at the fact that I had been the one to push the relationship and that I had held on for so long. After I finished, she said that from everything that I had said and the way I talked about him, that she thought he was "the one" and whether or not I realized that. Maybe I have and maybe I haven't. That's basically the answer I gave her. I told her that there was something inside me that wouldn't let me walk away and that, when I got the urge to move again I couldn't. I felt like there was still something that I needed to do here. I told her about how everything that I have "known" so far in this relationship has turned out to be true, whether I wanted it to be or not. Like when I "knew" that he was going to take Kayla back in June when he tried to assure me that he wasn't going to do that. She updated me on everything that's going on with her family and all of that. She's the only one left that hasn't had a child. But, I've rambled enough for the evening. I don't want to spend all my words now because I want the ones I have left in my head to grow. 0 comments so far   
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