The Past Again
03-04-01 ~ 09:50:08

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I'm beginning to wonder if all this communication with people that I used to know is a good thing.

For one . . . that dream that I had yesterday afternoon when I slept. I know I've had dreams set in that high school before . . . and I'm sure that's normal . . . but talking with people I used to know brings back a lot of memories and regrets that I didn't know I had.

Steven showing up in my dream and playing the part that he did may not have been good . . . Now I'm going to miss him terribly until I can manage to get a hold of him . . . I really do miss him . . . and he's been someone that I thought about from time to time anyway . . . but never this much . . .

Maybe it wasn't just starting to talk to people from my past again . . . perhaps it was actually going to see John . . . someone that I hadn't seen or really talked to in 5 and a half years . . . that brought back memories . . . 'cause that made it real . . . And I'm not saying that talking to everyone else hasn't been real . . . but they were words . . . not a voice that I could hear . . . not a body that I could touch . . .

And that just sounded really bad, but I'm sure you know what I mean . . .

I've always said that I never think of anyone as just words on a screen . . . and I really don't . . . but I think I now have to admit that there is a difference . . .

I don't know . . . . maybe there's a lot of things that I pushed down and burried . . . maybe that was because it was too much to leave my whole life behind and try to create a new one in the middle of high school . . . where everyone else already had their friends . . . and there weren't very many new people

And now . . . seeing and talking to these people again . . . my childhood friends . . . that's bringing all those things I burried back up to the surface . . . I have to face those as well as all the new stuff involved with moving out of my parents house and becoming entirely independant.

The simple solution to this would be to just stop trying to contact and talk to old friends . . . but . . . I lost them once . . . and I want to get back in touch with them . . . these are the people who are the closest to me out side of my family . . . they grew up with me . . . pulled me out of my shell . . . seeing each other through all those trials of childhood . . . as well as just having fun . . . They know more things about who I really am then the friends from down near San Diego . . . who didn't get to grow up with me . . . the didn't get to see me until after I had locked myself inside again . . .

It's hard to believe it's been 5 and a half years since I've been gone from that town . . . I still think of it as home . . . .

John and I kinda discussed that when I went to see him Thursday night . . . he says he doesn't miss it, and I got to thinking why that might be . . . he was born in Colorado, and moved to Vacaville in 5th grade . . . at which time he became a part of our little group of friends . . . . I was born near Vacaville . . . moved away when I was nearly 4 . . . and moved back in time to start third grade . . . I left right before 11th . . . . he got to stay to graduate . . . so really, we spent the same amount of time in the city . . . but I think the difference is that he got to finish that section of his life uninterrupted . . . I basically feel like I got pulled right out of my life . . . and I think I just wanted it back . . . which is why I'll always want those days back . . .

I was denied the chance at having those life long "high school" friends because I was denied the chance to finish high school with the people I grew up with . . . with the people who knew me best . . . and I had to go and be a stranger at some other school . . . two other school's actually . . .

I don't even know half the people I graduated with . . . probably not even a quarter . . . Hardly any one will remember me at my own high school reunions . . .

My saying for my senior year was "Maverick by name, Wildcat by heart"

I know almost everyone who graduated as a Wildcat . . . they graduated just three hours after I did . . . I so wanted to be there . . . and I've actually already made arrangements to attend the 10 year reunion of my graduating class from my first high school . . . to see all the people I used to know . . . because that's where I really belong . . . not at my real reunion as some stranger no one remembers . . .

It's gonna be hard come reunion time I think . . . though everyone that I've talked to about it says that they'd be happy to see me there, and that they didn't think anyone else would mind . . . but I wonder if they'd all think I didn't belong there either . . . since I didn't graduate with them . . . Though if my meeting with John is any indication of how things might go with other people, then I should have anything to worry about . . . but I can't keep the awkwardness between me and my old best friend, Keith, from entering my mindand shooting down my hopes . . .

My poetry teacher would just say that's my inner critic doing it's job and that I shouldn't listen to it . . . but it's so hard, and I think I'm afraid of that awkwardness.

Perhaps I just think too much for my own good . . .

But I do know that I will keep talking to my old friends, and I will keep searching for those that I miss . . . Such as Steven and Matt . . .

But . . . I think I've rambled way too much for my own good and I'll be going now.

Until next time.

~*~*~*~*~
Hollie
030401
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