Cry
Monday, Mar. 04, 2002 ~ 11:51 p.m.
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Okay . . . so I was going to do an entry last night, but at around midnight:30 or so, I went to talk to my roommate Andrew for a bit. A "bit" turned into almost two and a half hours. We talked about everything I guess, but there wasn't really any reason for us to talk. It started out 'cause he was asking my how work was going from his room and I was in mine, so I decided to go out into the hallway instead of yelling from room to room. We both just sat in the hallway between our rooms the entire time. I've missed talking with him. Or maybe I've just missed talking with a guy like that. When I was younger, my closest friends were male, and I still tend to open up more to men than to women. Well, except a select few women like Alicia, Erin and Karen.
I think there must be something about March that makes me want to write more. Last year in March, there were more entries than there were days, but I think that was because I was doing an entry when I woke up to record dreams, then another entry when ever I felt like rambling. I'm just really tired right now for some reason. I shouldn't be tired 'cause I didn't get out of bed today until noon:30 or so. Of course I didn't go to bed until 4 am, but that's besides the point. I'm so tempted to go see if Andrew's up still. Poor guy had to be at work at 7:30 this morning and he was up talking to me 'til 3:00am. *random thought* I need someone to come step on my back or something. It needs popped. *end random thought* Maybe I'm tired 'cause I cried tonight. I didn't cry a lot, but I did cry, and I always seem to get tired after I cry. Maybe that's because whatever happens to be kept inside gets released and I can relax and not really worry, or think about anything. I can just let my mind go and I can smile. It's going to be a whole other world when I move to Delaware. I think I may have a little difficulty when I first get there 'cause I'll have to deal with something that I haven't really dealt with. I've been so far removed from it that I haven't had a chance to heal and grow from it. It's almost like the wound is infected and incapable of healing until I do one last thing. By the time I get there it'll be almost 4 years since I was there last, and almost 4 years since I've seen the cemetary, but I have never once seen his headstone. One of the first things I'm going to do is borrow my little brother, Joshua, and have him take me to Matt's gravesite. I can only take my little brother. I can't have my dad and my stepmom show me 'cause I'd just break down right there in front of them. I won't do that with Josh. Josh was probably the only reason that I got through the viewing and the funeral at all. He was 4 at the time and he knew what was going on. Well, he sort of knew what was going on. He knew enough to know that Matt was never coming back, but he kept it from getting too depressing. I know that I'll have to visit the grave on my own before I could ever go with my family to visit it. There's too many things that I want to say there and I wouldn't be able to do that if everyone else was around. I really don't know why I'm like that. It was the same way at the funeral. I was afraid to touch him, afraid to say goodbye, and that's probably been one of the harder things for me. I don't feel like I've ever really said goodbye, and I can't do that until I'm there where he is. At least that's what I'm hoping.
Say Goodbye I still hear the pain in our father's voice
When I got that call,
When he repeated your last words to me
And then broke down.
There was nothing I could do
But listen to him cry.
I sat there silently,
Listening,
To his ragged breathing
And his sobs.
The tears began to roll down my cheeks,
One by one,
Not because of what our father told me
But because I was not there for him. I felt the impact of his words
A few days later
When I saw you lying there,
Pale and unmoving.
You looked so different,
So calm,
Surrounded by the white lining. That scar was not there
When I last saw you.
A failed attempt
To save you.
They hid it well. I looked up and I couldn't bear to watch.
She was crying for you. Three roses placed
On your chest,
Beneath your hands,
As you lay there so peacefully,
So calmly.
The roses,
Two red and one yellow.
The yellow one was mine
Because I was different. I still am different. I chose to watch my hands
As they took what will not be staying with you.
They leave Puppy though.
He always was and always will be with you.
He rests by your side. I continued to watch my hands
And they closed the casket
And carried you inside to
Say goodbye. ~091299~revised:121400~
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