Alright . . . it's time to ramble I think . . . even though I did do that sorta in my last entry . . . but that ramble then actually kinda had something holding it together . . . perhaps this will too . . . who knows . . .I only got about 7 hours of sleep yesterday . . . and that's 'cause Sabrina kept me online til almost 4pm . . . I was so tired after that . . . and now I'm just cold . . . but anyway . . .
I have to wonder about this guy, Scott. He hasn't been online in over a week, and he promised he would . . . if he doesn't come online soon, I'm gonna be forced to call him . . . I wonder if that's why he's staying offline . . . sneaky bastard . . . *chuckles*
When I woke up last night at 11, I checked to see who was online, and an old online friend of mine, Cody was online. I've mentioned Cody in at least one earlier entry. He's such a sweetheart, and he knows just what to say to me . . . though this time it was my turn to make him speachless . . . I haven't been able to talk to him online since New Years . . . though we have been keeping in touch through email pretty much constantly since then. *chuckles* . . . I don't know what I was saying, but he said that if I kept it up he was gonna go AWOL and come to San Diego . . . I don't think I'd mind that too much . . . but that's between me and him . . .
Another person who was online that I just love talking to was Tracy. He didn't stay long though . . . Tracy's two hours ahead of me and Cody is . . . *counts* . . . about 14 hours ahead of me . . . I think . . .
Anyway . . . Tracy keeps talking about his "Pheonix" in his journal . . . and I asked him who she was . . . (since I'm nosy and all) . . . and he gave some vague answer . . . then the other night right before he was going offline he said "and you still don't know who my pheonix is do you?" . . . of course I didn't . . .I just kinda thought it was someone in his town and all . . . and he left that night without telling me who she was . . . damn him . . . keeping me in suspense like that . . . *smiles* . . . So when I saw him online last night I asked again . . . at first he played innocent . . like he didn't know what I was talking about . . . then he kinda hinted around the fact that it could be me . . . but he hasn't given me a straight answer yet . . . and I hate to jump to conclusions . . . besides . . . I've read everything that he's said about her, and being who I am . . . I tried to figure out if he could have been talking about me . . . and sure . . . a lot of the things he said could relate to me . . . but there are somethings that he's mentioned that I just can't twist in my favor . . .
Perhaps I just don't think it could be about me because the things he says about his pheonix are some of the sweetest things I could image anyone saying about someone else
Then of course last night, because I slept so late, I didn't get to talk to him for very long . . . he can be sure though . . . that next time we talk I'm gonna try my best to get him to explain exactly what he meant.
*sings* . . . who will save the sane . . . *smiles* . . . Type O Negative
Anyways . . . so yeah . . . Tracy's a doll . . . even if he confuses me sometimes . . .
Then of course there's Zack . . . whom I just got done talking to online . . . Zack got drunk this last Friday and decided that he'd admit to having "feelings" for me . . . from back when we played in Vanda . . . which was a role playing world created by some of our friends . . . I played my main character, Crystal Rose (who's the reason this diary's named such) and he played a character, Isam Wardragon . . . our characters got married . . .and he ended up leaving the game for one reason or another . . . now . . . because of the nature of my character, there's no way she would have been able to remain faithful, so she asked for the marriage to be annulled . . . and because I did that . . . Zack got upset at me . . . and said some of the worst things that anyone has ever said to me . . . he basically called me (me being Hollie, having nothing to do with my character, Rose) a "fucking whore" and told me to go to "fucking hell" . . . I didn't talk to him for a while after that . . . and it took a long time before I was able to be nice to him again . . .
He asked me if I loved him the other night . . . and I said yes . . . however . . . I don't love him the way that he thinks he loves me . . . I love him as I would love any of my friends . . . I don't think I could ever love him any other way . . . especially after what he had said to me . . . not to mention the fact that he's on the other side of the US and has never really met me . . . I called him one weekend while Vanda was still up 'cause I was worried about him . . . but that's been it.
I'm not sure how I'm gonna tell him that I don't feel the same way for him . . . I don't want him to be upset . . . but I know he will . . .
ugh . . . why does this whole feelings thing have to be so difficult? . . . And why can't I be less picky when it comes to men? . . . or maybe I'm not as picky as I think . . . maybe I'm just shy . . . and afraid of getting hurt . . . yet again . . . and so it only seems like I'm picky . . .
I just don't know.
I talked to one of my brother's ex-girlfriends online yesterday . . .Shanti . . . I miss her brothers . . . I haven't talked to Jiddu in ages and I haven't seen or talked to Ilich since the weekend before christmas . . . she says they're doing good though . . . so that's good . . .
Lets see . . . oh . . . Sabrina has finally gotten online as well . . . She's online with AOL though . . . and I don't like AOL much . . . but I have AIM so I can still talk with her so that's good . . . She wants me to fly with her to Florida in May to visit her sister . . . who's pregnant . . . I would and all, but I don't think I can afford it . . . I think it'd be fun to go though . . .
I still haven't gotten around to calling Daniel, even though I'd love to talk to him . . . and I still need to write a letter to Matt's mom . . . trying to figure out where he's at now . . . and I think I'm also gonna break down and write a letter to Keith . . . to see if perhaps he'd mind getting ahold of me and/or Richardson
You know what another problem is? . . . I can't seem to get my FTP thing to connect to my site's server . . . so I can't upload some files that I updated . . . I updated my superstions page 'cause I thought of a better opening quote than the one I had . . . and I changed the page on the site . . . I just have to upload the new graphic . . . and I can't get to the right place to upload it . . . hopefully that'll be fixed here soon
Are you still actually reading this? . . .wow . . .I'm shocked at that actually . . . since all this entry is doing is allowing me to empty my head of thoughts . . . . or something like that . . . if I'm boring you to tears, tell me. . . . *giggles, thinking she's so smart for dropping her guestbook link in the entry*
*coughs* . . . sorry about that momentary interruption of my wandering thoughts . . . sometimes my fingers have a mind of their own . . . or something
Oh where oh where could Jason have run off to . . . . he's gone and locked up his diary so I can't read it . . . unless I have the password . . . but he's not online and hasn't been online for two weeks or so now . . . so I can't even ask him what the password is . . . and then there are other people . . . *coughs*kyle*coughs* . . . who haven't updated their diary since the middle of January . . . or even . . . *coughs*james*coughs* . . . since the beginning of January . . .
I must be in a strange mood this morning . . . maybe it was talking with Cody first thing after I woke up . . . that boy got me talking about things I never talk about online . . . and that's all the detail that I'm gonna go into about that right now . . . you all can just use your imagination if you wanna know
What would I do without a computer? . . . I'd probably die of bordom . . . or maybe I'd actually have a life . . . or something . . . who knows . . .
But I think I've bored everyone to tears, so I'm gonna run off for now . . . maybe I'll do another entry later today . . . don't know what about though . . . so um . . . stay tuned?
Until then
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Hollie
030501
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