I need to not hide anything
Monday, Mar. 17, 2003 ~ 7:30 p.m.
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Sometimes I wonder whether anyone really knows me. I don't wonder this because I don't think that anyone cares to. I wonder this 'cause I don't know how much of myself I really let anyone know. I really don't know what it is. I just feel like I'm "ever changing." I feel like I hide a part of me from everyone, like I'm still afraid. I don't feel constant. *smiles* I feel like maybe I was really a gypsy in a past life and the urge to always be on the move in some way stayed with my soul. And if I'm not capable of changing my surroundings, I'll change something about myself. That usually ends up being my hair or something. I guess I just don't really know. I go through these phases where I get the strongest urges to do something different. I had them when I thought I was depressed and I still have them now. (No, I'm not still depressed. I don't feel the same way that I used to. I feel at peace instead of empty, and that's a wonderful feeling). These days though, the urges come more frequently. I just moved out of my dad's house last month and already I want to change something. I think I'm going to put my hair back to it's blonde and burgundy. I don't know though. All the changes may just be my way of protecting myself. Maybe I think, deep down, that if I keep changing, then I won't let people get close, I'll block them out. And if they can't get close, I can't be hurt like I was before. I feel the possibility of that getting closer and I have to keep myself from pushing away from him. I don't want to destroy a friendship before it even has a chance to blossom. I think I need to just be myself for a day. I need to not hide anything and I need to not "pretend." Of course to do this, I need to not be working. 0 comments so far   
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