August and Death
03-31-01 ~ 6:11 p.m.
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I had orientation today, and I wrote short bits here and there that I was going to type into here tonight, but instead (because I'm not in a wonderful mood and it's good to rant to no one inparticular and everyone at once), I'm going to type up a free write that I did back in August of last year . . . a bit of warning though . . . I was rather upset when I did the two parts of it . . . well, more upset in the first part than the last . . .
A friend of mine just asked me if I was lonely . . . and here's the response I gave him . . .
no . . . not really . . . I've always been alone for the most part . . . I'm used to that . . . I don't necessarily want it to change . . . I'd make a good nun if it weren't for that religious stuff . . .
I just thought I'd share . . .
Perhaps a bit of back ground info on the free write first.
Like I said, I did this entry back in August . . . the weekend of the two year aniversary of my brother's death . . . I had driven down to Carlsbad since I didn't really want to be alone . . . but I stayed at Tony's apartment because I didn't want to be around any family . . . and these were written on that weekend . . . one on the 18th . . . and one on the actual aniversary of his death, the 19th.
And as I mentioned, I was a little upset, so I used the word "fuck" and variations of it more than I usually would.
no more waiting. . . .
Two years . . .
Two fucking years.
Since you've been gone, my life has gone no where. Sure, I've finally left Mira Costa and gone on to CSU Long Beach, but I have no friends and I'm stuck in a job that goes no where.
Hell . . . I can't even be interested in anyone who would be interested in me. Take a specific person here.
Well, for starters, he's not even fucking here. But even if he were, would he be interested in me?
This is the very reason I believe that I'll never be married. I don't want kids. Guys make better friends than anything else. It's not like I really need a male. Most of them are just walking dicks anyway.
I am in such the mood to just give up on everything. Who gives a flying fuck what happens to me . . . you know?
So many people that I care about have disappeared from my life. It seems like I have no one left at all. I feel out of place amoungst all my friends and I don't want to force myself onto anyone who doesn't want me around, but I'm not going to flat out ask anyone if they want me around. That would defeat the purpose 'cause you wouldn't want to be rude and tell someone you don't want them around straight to their face. Perhaps some people would, but I would never, in my life, be able to do anything like that. It wouldn't matter how much I disliked a person. I just could never do that to anyone.
But time is running out after only two pages. I'll write plenty more tomorrow I'm sure since tomorrow's the anniversary of your death. Two fucking years. That's so very hard to believe it's been that long already. And it's hard to believe that I haven't been back since you're funeral. I've wanted to go back so badly. I just wish I could afford to go. That's why I'm sacrificing what ever life I could have this semester to work full time, to be able to afford to take some time off from work, more specificallyy some paid time off. I haven't even seen your headstone.
I really hope that David misses you after how horribly he always seemed to treat you. Yes . . . you did get annoying . . . at times, but we all had fun. He didn't have to treat you like shit all those years. I wonder if he would have treated you any better if he would have known that you were going to be gone after only 12 years. ~9:10pm~ ~081800~
August 19th, 2000 ~ 2:45pm
Now ~ it has officially been two years. Though I'm in a much, much better mood than I was in last night for some reason. As is evident by my language use in my writings last night.
He finally showed up. I was taking a shower and when I came back out, he was sitting there on the couch ~ looking as beautiful as ever.
4:38pm ~ He's beautiful - very much so.
He almost wanted to see what I'd written - maybe it would make it easier to talk to him. But, of course, I don't think that I'll ever be able to talk to him. I'm too fucking shy and I hate it. Why the hell do I have to be so shy?
I still want him. I still miss every male in my life. Well, except maybe Alex. I don't know what I ever saw in him. Now that I look back on that, I almost want to laugh. That was possibly the worst date anyone could have gone on.
Ah well . . . shit happens.
I'm curious to know how everyone at my dad's house is doing right now. I wonder if they went to Matthew's grave site. I'm sure that they did and I's so jealous if they did. I feel so bad that I've never even seen my brother's headstone, but I can't fucking afford to go all the way across the country to visit him.
Life so totally sucks. Every time I think things get better, they never seem to stay that way. Something always seems to get fucked up . . . ALWAYS
Like, hell, how am I supposed to know if he's even interested? Him with his beautiful eyes, hands, body, face - Absolutely beautiful. Just everything about him. Gorgeous guy, beautiful personality too, but for some reason, I don't think I'm his type. Time will tell though. ~4:56 pm
The "him" in that refers to Randy . . . you can read about him in a few of the first entries . . . the first one more than the others I think . . . but who knows . . . I don't remember half the stuff I put in here . . . but it's been good to get it out of my head . . . even if hardly anyone reads it.
I decided to type that up because someone one the needful things message board (the link's on the side over there) said something about funerals . . . asking if she was the only one "that thinks the idea of a funeral is weird" . . . she doesn't like funerals and doesn't think they're necessary . . .
here is my reply in that thread ~
For me though, I need a funeral to go to . . . I've had family die on my fathers side (most of whom live on the east coast while I'm on the west coast), and I've been told not to go to the funeral . . . that I didn't need to be there . . . that I couldn't go. My great grandmother died one year a long time back and I was told that I shouldn't go 'cause I didn't know her well enough (That was a few months before a friend at school died as well as my cat) . . . then a few years later my grandfather died . . . I was told that I wasn't allowed to go . . . that they basically didn't want me there because no one from my dad's family other than my dad was going . . . then when my brother died, my dad told me that I didn't need to come . . . I was basically "like hell I don't" . . . I was tired of being told that I shouldn't make the 3000 mile trip to say goodbye to a family member . . . especially someone who's considered immediate family . . .
Sorry for rambling like that . . . basically . . . I need a funeral to confirm that the person's actually gone . . . otherwise it's a very hard thing for me to accept . . . it's a hard enough thing to accept on it's own . . .
But I think I've talked/typed your ears/eyes off . . .
. o O (ewww . . . "typed your eyes off" . . . that's a gross image)
Perhaps tomorrow I'll type out that stuff I wrote during orientation . . . maybe I'll even write more during day two of orientation . . . yay me.
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