Some other time
Tuesday, Apr. 01, 2003 ~ 9:05 p.m.

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Today was a day. It was sorta hard I guess. I thought lots and I felt like I should have been stressed out, and because I felt like I should have been, I acted that way. While I was at home or in my car, I felt perfectly fine. I felt at peace. Heh. I seem to say that a lot lately.

But anyway.

Some days I just want to let everything go. It's much easier said than done though. I'm still holding on to the friendship with Keith. It may seem to some that I'm holding on to what I wished we could have become, but I don't think I am. I believe that, if I were able to talk to him, find out how he was, to make sure he's okay, then I would feel better about forgetting him. I suppose that's what I really want to do. I want to forget him.

There are all sorts of things I want to let go of I guess. The biggest thing I want to let go of is what ever it is inside of me that makes me not believe in myself. I don't believe that I have it in me to tear down the walls I've built up around myself and allow myself to get close to anyone. I'll find myself interested in someone, then at the first little obstacle, which might not even be an obstacle, I just give up. I imagine things and use those things to make excuses. Maybe not "imagine" so much as make a bigger deal of something than it really is.

I don't know though.

I wish that I knew what I wanted and how to get that. I don't. And I really don't know why I'm writing all this. It doesn't seem like anything that will help in any way. I'm just writing to write. I'm not even free writing 'cause I'm just rambling. There is no thought process to this at all, but I wonder if that's because the tv is on in the background and I get distracted. Maybe I should try this some other time.

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