Letting Go, Shopping and Disturbed
Wednesday, Apr. 03, 2002 ~ 8:44 p.m.
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I was just reading this diary entry and it's going to make me cry. As Juel pointed out, I have a problem with death. I've always really had a problem with death. It's just part of who I am. Maybe it's just because I have a problem with letting go. My relationship with Keith is a good example of that. Even after all these years, I still dream about him. The latest dream was this morning. Of course I didn't remember any of the details after I was fully awake. All I was left with was the same empty feeling in my heart as I always am after I dream about him. I so hate that I let myself feel the way I do. I was supposed to have let that boy go ages ago, but my mind just doesn't seem to want me to. Maybe there's still more that I want to tell him. Perhaps that's why I still dream of him and think of him. There are things that have been left unsaid. Maybe I should just send him a copy of the paper that I wrote for that poetry class (I linked the paper to his name up there). I forget who suggested it to me, but it might say what I can't seem to figure out how to say.
Alicia came and took me and her boys out to lunch yesterday. We went to that chinese restaurant on Ball and it was good. They make Lemon Chicken a little different than the other place that I had it at. Just think. It's taken about a year and a half to get to the point where I'm craving chinese food again. After lunch, we dropped her boys off, picked up her brother and went to the Cerritos mall. We didn't really have a purpose. She was just in the mood to shop I guess. We just wandered in and out of shops, looking at anything we wanted to. We went into a few shops that we had never really been in before, but we didn't buy anything except a t-shirt at Hot Topic. Alicia bought it 'cause it had the original poster picture from Snow White on it, and she loves Snow White. After that, we dropped her brother back off and went to the Westminster mall so that I could look in the Wizards of the Coast store. We wandered all around that mall too and bought nothing but cookies from Mrs. Fields We did find out that there's now a Hot Topic in that mall too. We went in there and wandered around. They had some really pretty jewelry there that I really wanted. Shame I had no money. Our final stop for the evening was the Block at Orange. We went into Borders and wandered around. I borrowed money to buy the Queen of the Damned soundtrack and I love it. I'm hoping that they'll put out another version of the soundtrack with Jonathan Davis singing the songs like he did for the movie instead of random other singers singing them. I've been thinking about Chris quite a bit today, but that may have something to do with the fact that I've been listening to the soundtrack all day and Down with the Sickness by Disturbed is on there. Every time I hear that song, it reminds me of him 'cause he used to be really good at the beginning part of that song. The ending lyrics are somewhat disturbing, so if you're easily offended, don't read any more. Down with the SicknessDrowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me Looking at my own reflection
When suddenly it changes
Violently it changes (oh no)
There is no turning back now
You've woken up the demon in me Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
You mother get up
You fucker get up
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me I can see inside you, the sickness is rising
Don't try to deny what you feel
It seems that all that was good has died
And is decaying in me It seems you're having some trouble
In dealing with these changes
Living with these changes (oh no)
The world is a scary place
Now that you've woken up the demon in me (And when I dream)
No mommy, don't do it again
Don't do it again
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that
Why did you have to be such a bitch
Why don't you,
Why don't you fuck off and die
Why can't you just fuck off and die
Why can't you just leave here and die
Never stick your hand in my face again bitch
FUCK YOU
I don't need this shit
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you have to see how it feels mommy
Here it comes, get ready to die 0 comments so far   
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