Love, Life, and Change
05-13-01 ~ 12:05 a.m.
first | previous | random | next | last
It's barely mother's day . . . so, to all you mothers out there, I hope you have a wonderful day.
Since I have yet to go to bed tonight I still think of it as Saturday even though it is technically Sunday. I spent all day today watching movies. I turned my computer off, hoping to possibly get some cleaning done in my room, but that didn't happen. Perhaps tomorrow. Or today. Which ever you prefer. Tomorrow Karen and Dave will hopefully be coming up here to visit with me. I talked to them both last night. Dave's grandmother died which is why he didn't give me anymore notice than he did. I do so very much hope that they make it up tomorrow. Karen says that he seems to be holding up okay, but that you never can tell with Dave. He's that type of guy who doesn't like to show what he's feeling. And that she's never seen him show much emotion. I have though, so maybe him and I will get to talk some and if not, maybe I can get him to talk through email at least. We talked a lot through ICQ when he had it. I wish he still had it.
I've been asked a question lately. A single question asked by many different faces at many different times. Do you have a boyfriend? Are you married? . . . . some variation of that. The answer is always no. One person though asked my why and I didn't have an answer for him. I don't know why. It's not because I don't want one, because I do want one. I did some thinking today while I watched my movies by myself. I want love. I want the flowers. I want the smiles and the whispers. I want the romance, walks on the beach. I want to just be with someone and be happy just being with them. I don't want to feel like I need to do anything else to be happy. I want to be held and not feel the need for words. I want to feel loved. I want someone to love me for who I am and not want to change a single thing about me. I don't want to try to please someone. I shouldn't have to try to impress anyone. They should be impressed. They should want to get to know my mind before my body. I don't want to have to go after anyone, and I don't want anyone to come after me. It should just "be" and we would "be" together, at the same time. No chasing or running. I want to be loved, and I want to love. But . . . I don't think I can have that. Or, I could have that, but I don't think I can let myself be loved. I don't think I can let myself love someone else. I tried all that before. Loving someone that is. And I got hurt more deeply than I ever thought possible. I never thought that someone could have that much effect on me by simply not doing anything. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it took a very long time to get over. It took years actually. If I would have had contact with him through those years, it may have taken longer. But the thought of him no longer breaks open the scar on my heart. I remember the friendship we had instead. I just wish he could read this now and know that I do still care how he is, and that I wish he wouldn't have shut us all out of his life like he did. But I've gotten of track like usual
I'm 21, and I've never had what I would call a boyfriend. The last "date" I was on was back at the beginning of December. I wrote about it in here. December 9th I think. But anyways. I want to start fresh. I want to break free of my fears. I think the reason I don't have a boyfriend, and haven't ever really had one is because I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm afraid that once they're inside, they won't like what they see. I don't lie about who I am. My personality isn't fake, but I am a very private person. In a way, I'm how Karen see's Dave. I don't like to talk about what's bothering me. If something's bothering me then I'll tuck it away and smile. Everyone keeps telling me that smiling is a good thing, and it is. My smiles are always genuine, but I hide behind them. Maybe that's why I find the little things pleasing. I'll always have something to smile about then, even if other things aren't so good. I don't worry a lot about some of the "bigger" things. My life isn't all that hectic or interesting. I do a lot of things that I should do, and a lot of things that I shouldn't do. But there's still a lot that I want to do.
By typing this all out, I'm not looking for anything. It's been in my head all day, and the best way to discover all the thoughts behind something is to get them out of my head. One by one. As one goes, it uncovers another one. One that I never knew was there. That goes on and on until eventually I get to the source of it all. Perhaps if I keep this up long enough I'll even get to the very core of how I think, and why I do things the way I do. Sometimes I wonder if I would have made a good Psychologist. I listen well to other people's problems and feelings, and I seem to be able to help some. I also know basically why I act the way I do, and why I do certain things in certain situations. I don't know how to do anything to change them, but I know why I do them.
My life is mine, and I only do what I want to do. I'm the only one that can change anything, but to do so, I have to want to change it. That will never happen unless I learn to want it more than wanting to keep my heart safe. And I am ready to learn. 0 comments so far   
| 
