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Personal Response Paper
Friday, May. 17, 2002 ~ 12:42 a.m.
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Poetry is a powerful thing. It can effect so many different people in similar ways. One of the poems that I have seen which most effects me is one written by an online friend of mine, Shiva. His poem, Just to Be Your Friend, talks about a friendship that wants to be more, but isn't willing to be more, and because of this, it ends.
It's been a year now since I last sent something to Keith, the one who I used to consider my best friend. I moved away three and a half years earlier, and for the first year and a half or so, everything went smoothly, then something started to pull us apart. I didn't think anything could tear us apart after 10 years of friendship, but I was wrong.
We met in third grade, my first year back in the States after spending the previous four years and starting school in England. He was a third grade boy, and I was a third grade girl. We weren't supposed to be friends. Boys had cooties, or at least, that's what all the girls thought. But, being who I was, I didn't care. I've always seemed to have more male friends than female ones, except here lately. We became friends and over the elementary school years we grew closer. There was a third in our little group, and the three of us were inseperable.
We all entered the world of Junior High together, staying together, for protection and support, since we were the youngest at the school. All through the last year in elementary school rumors traveled, spreading quickly, about how the big, mean eighth graders put the little seventh graders in garbage cans. In this new world, we began to discover the opposite sex. I discovered boys. Keith and Richardson (the third in our group) discovered girls, though we didn't see each other.
Seventh grade passed, and so did eighth. Richardson and I had our crushes, and Keith had his girlfriends, but we were all still inseperable. We "graduated" from Junior High and passed into the magical world of High School. Some say those are the best days of your life. I think they would have been, if I hadn't moved.
I think it was ninth grade where I began to realize what I felt. Everytime he got a new girlfriend, I felt that pang of jealousy, but I kept quiet with my feelings. Keeping him as a friend was more important. So, I just kept being his best friend, while others had him as their boyfriend, and I was jealous of them. I wanted to be where they were, and some of them wanted to be in my place. He would come to me for advice, when he was undecided on what to do with them, and I would try my best to keep my heart quiet.
There was a time, where I saw a hint of what I felt in his eyes, and his actions. Though, it may have just been a moment of weakness, or a figment of my imagination. There was a dance in ninth grade. Our group went, about 10-15 of us, and there were some others there as well. The dances at the school weren't widely attended, but they were fun. So, we had half the gym to ourselves, and we could do anything we wanted, slide across the floor, all those things little freshmen do in high school. The DJ played a slow song and he came over and made me dance with him. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried to say no, afraid that I might hold him too tight and too close. We danced, and it wasn't me who was holding tight, it was him. We only danced with each other that night, and by the end, you couldn't fit a piece of paper between us. I can still see that night as if it were yesterday.
Ninth grade passed without another incident. Tenth grade came and it would be my last year at that school. I didn't know that until about halfway through. It hit hard at graduation. I think that it was as hard for me as it was for the graduating seniors, knowing that I probably wouldn't see many of my close friends again. Of course we would all say that we'll keep in touch, but that's harder than it seems. Yearbooks were all signed, and as I look back, I realize that he was wrong that year. He said that I would be back in the fall, that he knew I wasn't going to move away.
That summer, we spent more time together than any other summer before. Richardson came along most the time too. They tried to teach me how to play tennis, but failed miserably. I had the most fun that summer. And at the end, we hugged, and I was gone. I wouldn't be back for another year and a half, a christmas present from my parents, plane tickets back "home." When I saw him that year, everything came flooding back, but it wasn't awkward at all. We picked up where we left off, caught up on missed times, then went our separate ways again.
It was when I returned home that I made my mistake. The mistake that I still regret to this day. I picked up a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote him a letter. I told him what I felt. Since that day, it has been awkward. I went back "home" a year later, this time with a car. High school was over and we were all in college. I went to his house when I knew he was there. I didn't know how awkward it was going to be. If I did, I probably wouldn't have gone, but I wanted to see him so much. We barely talked, and I realized that the friendship I had treasured so much for 10 years had died. I hoped it was something we could get over, but it hasn't happened. He still "hides" from me. I don't hear from him at all, even when I try to get a hold of him.
I fought for two more years, to try to get things back to how they were, but everytime I tried to have a conversation, it was only with myself. He didn't listen, or answer. I just want him to listen and realize that I miss the friendship that we had, and that is what I'm looking for. The poemJust to Be Your Friend
by: Shiva
Afraid to lose your friendship
My heart holds quiet what I feel
But even muted souls cannot keep secrets
When desire screams so real.
Reason tried to tell me that it's wrong
To let this fire keep burning
But my soul refuses to surrender
And everyday is filled with yearning.
Deep inside your grey-green eyes
Longing that your heart has hidden
Reveals to me the other side
Of this love that is forbidden.
I know that I've betrayed you
You trusted I would be your friend
But we both denied as feelings grew
Until our friendship met it's end.
What we had was very special
We couldn't have asked for more
But fate pulled us closer
Than your young heart was ready for.
I never meant to hurt you
You know you mean the world to me
I'm fighting hard to find my way
Back how it used to be.
And if you'll give me one more chance
And trust in me again
You'll see that all I'm looking for
Is just to be your friend.
~071399~ 0 comments so far   
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