June 8th ... Soul Mates
Tuesday, Jun. 15, 2004 ~ 7:05 p.m.
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Everything that I have written while being offline is now up here ... there's 4 entries, but three of them are locked away ... This one is in response to Linda's "Of Love" entry ... Enjoy June 8th, 2004 � 9:41pm I hate feeling nauseous. I always feel this way when I�m on my period. I know, I know. That�s probably too much information, but I just felt the need to share that. I�m also sore, but that�s something completely different. And that, I like a lot � *innocent smile and all* I�m watching/listening to My Best Friend�s Wedding right now. I watched America�s Sweethearts just before this. My thoughts might jump around for a bit before I actually get on track. I do actually have something I want to talk about, but I�m not sure if I can right now. Well, I know I can. I guess I�m just not sure how to start. I am sleepy and that might be part of the problem, that, and feeling nauseous. So the thing I wanted to talk about, or ramble about � or something. Soul mates. I�ve thought about soul mates on and off since about last April. This most recent set of thoughts was brought on by Linda�s recent entry on love. The thoughts on this have always been the same. Well, sort of. I think I�ve found mine, and I think I knew it in the back of my mind when I first met him. I think this because I can actually remember the first time I saw him and I�ve never been able to remember that with anyone else before. I don�t remember the date or anything like that, but I can still see it in my mind. I was working at the service desk at the time and he came up to the desk to wait for his mom, or for a signature. When I saw him, there was a moment of familiarity that I�ve held onto for as long as I�ve known him. I�ve never told him this though It didn�t take us long to start talking and become friends. The first time we did anything together outside of work was when he invited me over to his house to play games with him and Linda. In an amazingly short time we became closer than I�ve ever been to any other friend with the exception of Gerald. I think that my favorite memory from that time was when him and his mom went up to the Christiana Mall and he had gotten a book full of questions. He said that he would never fill out that book because it might be used as evidence. He had come to the store to do a bit of work that night. He had bad timing though because I was just getting off work at the time and we started talking. He shared the book with me and we ended up sitting on the bench in the exit vestibule area and went page by page through the book. We learned so much about each other that night and he never did get to work. That night surprised me because I had no problems opening up to him. Before then I had always had problems opening up to someone that much. I�ve had trust issues in the past. After that, things started getting confusing. And this time it wasn�t just my mind making things confusing. There was something starting to grow between us. The first time I talked about him in my diary with any sort of personal feeling was back in March of last year. His girlfriend at the time was giving him trouble and he was unhappy. I hated that and I mentioned that he should be happy because he deserved to be and that I wished there was something I could do. I admitted that I liked him back on April 1st of last year (but that entry is locked). There is a night from that growth period that stands out in my mind. I�m just going to cut and paste from the entry on May 13th of last year: Last night (being Sunday night/Monday morning) we went out with Liz and met Jeff at Fridays. After we were done there Jeff went home and the rest of us went back to Liz's house for a little bit. At about 1:20 or so, Daniel and I left so that James and Liz could go sleep. We wandered around for a bit before going to the cemetery on state street, the one where Matt's buried. We didn't go for any visitation reasons, since I don't even know where he's buried. We just went because it's something that we would do.Anyway. After wandering the cemetery for a bit, looking at various headstones and such, we stopped. Daniel was having the strongest sense of dejavu. I felt it too. He said that we've been there before. We stood there for about 45 minutes, his arms around me, just talking. I think we talked about quite a bit, both past and present, real and emotional. We talked about the supernatural and how he could hear the spirits of the cemetery. We talked about why I thought that I couldn't hear them, that I have a part of me locked away. I guess now I know that I can have those sorts of conversations with him without it seeming strange. We're connected and each time we're together, the connection gets stronger. Maybe that's why this doesn't seem as hard as all the other times. Maybe it's because I can feel what he's feeling. And I know that what he said to me last night was true. He said that he didn't expect me to tell him all my secrets and that he didn't expect my trust, but he wasn't going to hurt me. It's important that he said that, and it's important that I believe that. Believing that is probably going to be the hardest thing that I'm going to have to do. Toward the end of June I got upset with him because I felt that he had lied to me. Though I told him exactly what he was going to do in regards to the Kayla situation. I shouldn�t have been surprised and I shouldn�t have gotten that upset because I knew it was going to happen. But I did get upset and I shut him out. I thought I had disconnected myself from him, but really, I was just staying away so I didn�t feel the connection. As we always seem to do, we slowly started hanging out and talking again. Then, after an evening of talking (he seemed very depressed at the time), I let him know again that if he ever needed to talk about anything, I�d be there and that we�d support him no matter what. He hugged me and kissed my forehead and I left. I wrote this when I got home: One Moment When I hugged you tonight I could feel your pain.
I only hope I took some away.
Your mind, unsettled
and your heart tender.
I don't think you've healed from before,
and she's doing it again. Your eyes are haunted when you look to mine
And you try to hide,
but you can't.
The connection I thought was broken, severed,
is stronger than ever. No matter what we do,
Or how we try,
we can't seem to stay away.
We can't hide our souls. One moment is all it takes.
One moment and I'm back where I was.
One moment and you're still there,
we're still there. From that point, things really started moving and stopping and becoming clear and confusing all at the same time. That may not make much sense to most of you, but then again, most of you haven�t seen him and I together. There were times when I just wanted to walk away and be done with it, but I found that I couldn�t and that was probably the most frustrating thing of all. He was frustrating because he wasn�t being consistent, but that wasn�t nearly as frustrating as my inability to run. And now, I think his inconsistencies were caused by his confusion, for lack of a better word. I think he wanted to move things forward with me, but it wasn�t time. He was afraid to hurt me and he wasn�t quite ready to move forward. I can only guess because I never pushed him to talk about it. I just let things run their course. I wrote this in November when things between us weren�t the best� A Part of Me You've captured a part of me
My spirit,
My soul.
But you are blind to what you do with it
What games you play. I want to run
(if only temporarily)
I want to just walk away from it all
but I can't.
I'm trapped here,
You've trapped me
Unable to move forward,
Unwilling to move back. A part of me believes that you will wake up,
That you will see what you have.
A part of me believes I have to stay,
That I have to see this through. You've captured a part of me
And that part of me lives in you
Just as a part of you lives in me. I had given up on him in December and told him so. But I think I told myself that to help me feel better. I never really gave up on him. I tried to believe I had, but once again, there started to be these moments that tugged at my mind, betraying what I thought I wanted at the time. Daniel took me to the airport before Christmas when I was going to visit my mom. Daniel hates driving to Baltimore, but so far he�s taken me there twice. On the way to the airport we talked as if nothing had ever changed and we had been talking all along. When he dropped me off he hugged me and told me to be safe. Once again, I felt that connection tugging at something deep within me. It took another month and a half before things progressed to the point that there was no denying that we were �together.� Since that time, there have been ups and downs as there are in any relationship. We just recently had a fairly large �down,� but we got through it okay and are back on the �up� again. My favorite memory from this stage of our relationship is the morning that he wouldn�t let me get out of bed. I was actually grumpy with him for not coming to bed until almost 7 and I was just going to go out to the computer and play/type/etc� He didn�t let me. He wanted me to lay with him and I couldn�t resist that request. It felt safe and comfortable. Daniel has played a very important role for me. He�s been a balance. He�s given me good memories and experiences to balance out almost everything that had seemed bad in my life before, and he�s done it without even trying. He was just doing what came naturally to him and that�s the best part of it. And, I�ve always been very protective of him even when it wasn�t my �responsibility� to be. I�ve always hated it when he was upset and I had a very hard time not saying anything when his sister was here and wishing him ill. Now, it�s a little more playful. Whenever we go out with Dave, the two of them are bound to do something to one another. They�re very much �boys� when they�re together. But, whenever Dave does something to Daniel, he better not be in arms reach of me, �cause I�ll join right in and poke, pinch or pull the tiny hairs on the back of Dave�s neck. It amuses Daniel. There are a lot of other memories that I�m bound to hold on to for a very long while, but I�m not going to list them all here. They are scattered throughout this diary though. As for my thoughts on soul mates? I had once thought that perhaps �soul mates� didn�t mean that the two had to be together in a �relationship� sense. Maybe �soul mates� just meant that they had to be there for each other. I still wonder that, but I hope that�s not the case with Daniel and I. It�s past my bedtime and I�ve written far more than I had planned. I�ve been up since 4:30 this morning and it�s now Midnight. So, I�m going to bed now that I�ve rambled for 5 and a half pages. Blessed Be. 0 comments so far   
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