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I need my tree
Monday, Jul. 28, 2003 ~ 6:27 p.m.
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I was going to wait until later to do an entry, but I decided against that. If I waited until later, I'd most likely just not do one. I'm in my uncaring mood again. Though I'm not sure if "uncaring" is the right word. I'm frustrated and feeling like I just want to say "fuck it all" and give up. But I won't do that. I'm not the type to just give up. I'll bitch and complain to myself, but in the end, I just keep on taking whatever is given to me, good or bad. I'm sure though, that eventually I'll get to the point where something will frustrate me so much that I'll just put in my notice. It's happened before, and I've already been on the verge of it here. But I didn't want to do it unless I had something else to go to. I didn't want it to be like last time when I was unemployed for two months. I never got out to look at any places though. I did ask Bruce some questions about pay and such at places like Sherwin Williams. I'm just lazy when it comes to change. I've never been fond of change. You'd think by now I'd be used to it. Maybe I never got out to look for another job because I knew that I did like working there, I just didn't like what I was doing. So, why did I take plumbing when I was asked? I thought that it might increase my chances of getting the promotion that everyone seemed to think I would more than qualify for. You know, taking on a "little" (read:"lot") more responsibility, showing willingness to change, not just staying where you're comfortable, etc. But it didn't help. If anything, it hurt my chances. And it hurt them so much that when the time did come for me to possibly move up, I couldn't. Even though I wasn't told, I know the ones who did get the positions were the ones who had been doing those jobs since the day we started training. They got so much more out of the training than I did. All I could do was try to keep up with things. I could never get ahead of anything. I continuously struggled to get my regular work done as well as any of the extra work for the training. There were quite a few times I thought I was just going to have to drop something. The only thing I could drop was the training 'cause all I did was that and work. I had no time to do anything else, but I wasn't going to drop the training because that was my only way out of the situation that I got myself into, and apparently it still is. Eventually anyway. Like I told Yvette today, there's so many things I've been wanting to do in that department since I got over there, but with the amount of people we have, it's almost impossible. Sure, I could probably leave the department without adequate coverage for a week or two and go overnight to actually get some of these things done, but if there aren't enough people on during the day, customers will get pissy and sales will go down and the department will start to deteriorate (because the few people who are there will be helping the few people they can and there won't be much time for maintenancing the department) and that would just defeat the purpose. I keep pausing and wandering various places online, then I make my way back to this browser window and rant/ramble some more. I hate crying at work. I really do. I seem to do it on a regular basis now. I did it today, a little over an hour after I was already supposed to be off and at home. I didn't start crying because I didn't get the position of Zone manager in the store because, to be honest, I wasn't sure if I really wanted it. Sure it would be nice to make a little more money so that I could afford to actually get some real seating in this apartment, or maybe even pay off some of my bills so I might be able to better my credit and buy something so I could move my cats over. And it would definitely be nice to get out of Plumbing, but if I did that, I'd always be itching to go over there and do all the things I want to do in the department that I can't do at the moment. I'd want to go and finish the things that I meant to do, and that would mean that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do (unless somehow I had gotten put over that zone). I don't know. I suppose I should probably stop rambling on and on and move on with the day. I just don't know why, if she already knew that she wanted me to work on the things that she told me so that I could move up, she encouraged me to apply for a posting that had already been closed. It was just a waste of paper and of time for everyone involved. We could have saved the one little sliver of a tree and only spent about half an hour of time talking and accomplished the same thing. It's times like these that I really miss having a "favorite place" to go where I can just immerse myself into the surroundings and forget about everything for a little while anyway. 1 day 0 comments so far   
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