I don't understand
08-08-01 ~ 2:36 p.m.

first | previous | random | next | last

I think I'm going through a breakdown . . . A minor one . . . but a breakdown none the less . . . I can't seem to be sure of anything . . . and on top of it all . . . I'm having strange dreams . . . nothing in the dreams themselves is too strange . . . but the way they leave me feeling is just too much . . .

I think I'm gonna end up shying away from everything and everyone . . . and I don't want to do that . . . I really don't . . . but I don't think I'll be able to handle it . . . even the little bit of attention that I'm getting now seems too much . . . maybe it's just 'cause it's from the wrong person . . . I don't know . . . .

I think that it's 'cause I've been alone for so long . . . . there are girls out there who don't know how not to be in a relationship . . . and I know that they exist . . . my old roommate, Kristi, is one of them . . . I've never really heard anyone talk about the girls who don't know how to be in a relationship . . .

I'm one of them . . . That's what I think . . . but everyone else seems to think differently . . . they just think that I haven't found the right guy . . . and that one day someone's gonna come along and change me . . . I don't see that happening . . .

I know I'm on the verge of stopping anything that might be happening . . . I'm gonna go back to being the shy one at work . . . I'm not going to talk to people unless it's absolutely necessary . . . That's what I feel like . . .

I think that's why I purposely took my two days off this week and just stayed to myself . . . I don't know what I'm gonna do on my breaks now . . . . maybe I'll get back into writing . . .

I think I just need a break from everything . . . I need a change . . . I don't know what I need . . . I hate this . . .


The dreams I've been having these last few days have included people that I know from work . . . I had one about Jerico that started this feeling . . .

Jerico, me, and one other person were all going to the movies . . . and I guess he made me mad . . . or something . . . and I stayed out of the theater . . . he came out about halfway through the movie and walked with his head down . . . I felt so bad for making him feel that way . . . and I tried to go over to him . . . but he didn't want to talk to me 'cause he felt bad about what ever it was he said/did . . . I tried to touch his arm, to let him know that it was okay . . . and he pulled away from me . . . I felt more helpless then than I ever had before . . . and I woke up with that feeling . . .

Another dream that night had Keith in it . . . you would think that after all these years, he would be out of my head . . . and if it weren't for the dreams that keep cropping up, he would be . . . I don't think about him hardly at all . . . but every now and then, I'll have a dream where we kiss . . . or something . . .

And yet another dream that night . . . I don't remember what it was about, but Lars was in it . . . Lars appeared in a dream last night too . . . so that was two nights in a row that I dreamt about Lars . . . both times we were gonna go to lunch, but we never got there . . . things kept coming up . . . and we could never get there . . .


I really don't know what's coming over me . . . maybe it's got something to do with the fact that I'm 22 and I haven't done much productive . . . or maybe it's got something to do with the fact that in 11 days . . . it'll be the third anniversary of my brother's death . . .

I don't think that there's any way to be sure what's wrong with me

Sometimes I think it would be best to let myself be depressed for once . . . let me be in a non-happy mood . . . and even if I want to be, I can't once I get around people . . . I have to smile around people . . . I don't like people asking me what's wrong . . . or anything like that . . . For some reason I've always been the one to ask things like that . . .

Even writing it all out like this isn't helping me feel any better . . . maybe there's too much in my mind that I can't even begin to understand . . .

0 comments so far

host

moon phases

Dark Petals on a Pale Rose