Wanted: spare hour or three.
Saturday, Aug. 09, 2003 ~ 11:55 p.m.
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I was just going through some of my older entries, trying to find out if I ever talked about someone, when I came across this entry. I don't think I've really taken the time to just watch something small, seeming insignificant, at all since then. Perhaps I did for a bit on my way across country, but after the first night, I paid more attention to my books than I did the scenery of the passing countryside. From time to time I do stand outside on my balcony and watch the trees across the street move. But they only do so when there's a good breeze going. I spent a little bit of time today watching the rain pour down, but because I was working, I couldn't just stand there until it finished. Even here in little, old Delaware, life seems too busy. I can never seem to make time for the little things. There always seems to be something to put off doing, but there's never any time to just do nothing. Maybe I need to not be so lazy, or not so addicted to the 'net. I need to take a day and go out, find me a forest, sit and just watch it. I need to go out there, listen to the trees breathe, listen to the little skittering of bugs, watch all the details as they make themselves known. I need to be away from people and the busy-ness of the life that surrounds them. But I never have time for that. I've been swallowed up by that busy-ness.
My spirits still haven't gone down, even with getting written up yesterday. For some reason I'm not letting anything bother me at all. I seem to have really taken that "I can only do so much" mentality to heart. And that's not to say that I don't try to do everything, I do. But, I'm not going to get upset over it if I don't happen to get to stuff because I'm helping customers, or taking care of something else. It doesn't do any good at all to get like that. All that does is make me upset, and if I get upset like that, I'm more likely to make decisions on a whim without really thinking them through. I do worry a bit though. I guess I'm just afraid that I'm going to come crashing down all at once. I've already felt the edges of this "happiness" slipping from my grasp, but I think I'm determined to keep a hold of it this time. I'm not going to say that I will keep a hold of it this time because, knowing my luck, I won't. A girl can hope though, can't she?
I need to start writing again. I'm getting urges, thoughts, strands of poetry and other musings. I need time to start pulling them together, organizing them, etc. I told Juel to give me until the end of the weekend to come up with something. She doesn't think I can do it 'cause she thinks that I can only write when I'm not happy. She doesn't seem to think that I can get anything out when I am happy, though she could just be trying to push me into proving her wrong. She would love that.
There was another entry that I came across while I was wandering through my past. This entry still holds true today, for the most part. I think though, that I have moved a bit farther along that path. I've opened up a little more. That might be credited to yet another move, and I know that Daniel had a lot to do with it, but maybe those reasons just happened to come about at the same time that I was actually ready to open up more. I don't know though. It's hard to tell what I'm actually ready for at the moment 'cause I never have the time to explore that. I don't have time to push my limits. Heh. I think what I need is just more time. Anyone have a spare hour I can have? 0 comments so far   
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