A dream to leave me empty again
Monday, Aug. 12, 2002 ~ 12:33 a.m.
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For some reason it seems so much later than it is. Perhaps that's a good sign to actually go to bed. I won't though. Not yet. I have a dream to put in here. It's one of several that I had last night, but it's the only one I remembered in any sort of detail. I had to write it out on paper 'cause this computer was in use and I couldn't use David's. This dream was sort of a good dream, but not really. It had it's good parts, but the overall feeling that it left me with was emptiness. I don't know if that's a sign that maybe my depression can't be solved by simply moving across country and leaving my old life behind. Perhaps it resides deeper within me and therefore will take something even more to dislodge it. I've been thinking about that for a while now, partially because I've been a bit emotional. Perhaps a little more than a "bit." It seems that anything will make me cry now. It doesn't seem to matter whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. The preview to "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" made me cry, lots of commercials make me cry. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Most the time it's not a full blown crying session. Most the time it's just a couple tears, five at the most. It's hard sometimes 'cause I don't want to let my dad know that I've been unhappy. He'd probably think I was unhappy being here and I'm not. It's just left over from before I got here. I know this is so totally off base from what I had intended to write, but I suppose thats why I write, to get all this stuff out of my head. One of my reviewers said (in the review) that she felt that my writing was theraputic for me. She was very right. It is my form of therapy and it's much less expensive than seeing a psychologist and I'm sure I say things here that I'd never say in the presence of other people. When I finally get around to typing out all the stuff I wrote while I didn't have a computer, you'll see just what I mean. I suppose I should actually get to the dream now. I won't be able to update my dreams list until I get my computer back and I'm able to upload a new copy of the file. So, here it is: I'd jump online and type this right now, but unfortunately the computer is in use. I'm stuck doing this by hand. Basically, I had a dream. Matt McMindes and Alicia (as well as her kids) were in the dream. Here's all of it that I remember. Somehow I found this mall that was absolutely amazing. It was nothing like any other mall we had ever seen. A little while later, Alicia and her kids came to visit me. We all hopped in her car and tried to find the way to the mall. On the way we had sort of an accident. There was an underground parking garage and she didn't see the entrance until itt was too late. By the time we came to it, it was a straight drop down and we were going in. Amazingly, the car didn't tip over, it just dropped straight down, scraping the side and at the end, the only real damage was two flat tires. Alicia and I got out ant went to catch a "Coaster" type train to take us to the mall. (I seem to remember her kids getting out too, but they weren't on the train with us.) There were all sorts of strange people on the trrain, but the only one I paid attention to was the one I had known most my life, Matt McMindes. I really don't know why he showed up there, but who can tell why anything happens in dreams. I was surprised to see him there and we talked and talked. When the train stopped, we were in some strange parking lot. There was an apartment complex across the street and beyond that, there was a movie theater (Edwards, I think). I figured that the mall was behind there, so the three of us got out. Figuring that Alicia was with us, I walked with Matt. When we were crossing over to the apartment complex, I realized that Alicia wasn't there. I couldn't see her anywhere, but I figured she'd just meet up with us at the mall. Matt and I continued to walk and talk. One of the questions he asked me was "Why is your purity so pure?" I fumbled along for a bit, then just told him that it hadn't felt right yet. I linked my arm through his and we walked on. When we got to the theaters, we continued on, but there was no mall, just more apartments and some business type buildings. We decided to turn back. We kissed once very, very lightly on the way back and he had his arms around me. It felt like heaven. I had forgotten how comfortable I was with him. We were almost back when we ran across some terrorist type people. Matt told me to get down and they started shooting. A few shots came very close to hitting me. At some point, someone else came along and stopped everything. It was then that I saw that Matt had been shot. I asked him all sorts of questions and found out that he had been shot on the right side of his chest. I saw Alicia milling about with the crowd that had gathered. I pulled Matt into my lap and gve him a quick kiss, butt he complained 'cause my knees were right where he had been shot. That was about it though. I miss him. I haven't dreamed about him in a very long time. And speaking of not dreaming about people, I haven't dreamed about Keith in ages, And that's a very good thing. There was also some other thing that happened in the dream that I accidently left out. When we turned around to head back, I tried to call Alicia on Matt's cell phone, but I couldn't remember her number. I couldn't get past the area code of her number. When Matt was shot, I had trouble dialing 911. I don't think I ever got it right in the dream. I think I just gave up 'cause who ever stopped the terrorist type people had already called 911. Oh well. The dream prompted me to go check on Matt again. He hasn't been keeping his journal up, but that's alright. I just left a message in his guestbook. 0 comments so far   
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