Up in the air and confused.
Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 ~ 11:36 p.m.

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First off, to answer Mr. Grimm's comment from the last entry: More or less based on me. There are a few bigger details that are different as there should be, but there are many, many similarities.

With that out of the way, I will say this. Quite a bit has changed since the last entry. There have been numerous times that I've wanted to come in here and bitch or brag or what ever. The one thing that most people would probably know about is Hurricane Isabel. We didn't get the full brunt of the storm, but we got the edges of it and it got quite windy for a good long while.

That Thursday night was also a very good night for me. Stuff happened which I will probably go into more detail in another (read: locked up) entry. We'll just say that Daniel and I left that blurred line that kept our friendship standing still way in the dust.

But, as of this point, I have no clue where it leaves us. I'm confused I guess and I have a feeling that he is a bit too. I figured I'd wait until all the stuff with Sara was almost over with anyway. I know that it's never really going to be done with, but she was making things difficult and such.

I don't really know what I want to say I guess. Work has been pissing me off to no end and I think because of that and the uncertainty that I mentioned above, I've been having more drastic mood swings than usual, but it's something that I'm working on. I'm not so sure how it's gonna get better on the work end of it unless I leave, but I can't afford to do that either. There's no other place for me to go and I told both Yvette and Sharon that when I was in the Installed sales office talking to them the other afternoon. (This was when I was informed that they weren't going to be moving me out of plumbing. That plumbing was not getting any better and that my performance had decreased.) I told them that when they insisted that they didn't want me to quit. I didn't tell them that I wasn't going to quit. I told them that I had no other place to go right now. They asked if there was anything they could do. My response to them was that there was nothing more that I could say. I already told them that I didn't like Plumbing, I had no interest in Plumbing, that I spend most my time covering the department which makes it difficult to do my job, that Keith doesn't have any involvement in my department other than coming over and talking down to me, or talking to other people about me. I told them that I didn't know what else to say.

I feel completely trapped and it's gotten to the point that it's taking everything that I can muster to even go into work everyday, but the fact that I do go into work everyday despite all this, should say something about me. I may not like my job at the moment, but I take my responsibility to that department (that I wish would spontaneously combust) fairly seriously. I may not like working there, but I won't willingly leave it short handed.

Anyway, all of that went on Tuesday. After I left work, I went and bought myself a dozen purple roses and two bottles of wine. That was the first time I went to a liquor store since I moved to this state.

It was just a very bad day. I cried in the office with Yvette and Sharon, I cried on the sales floor to Natalie and George. I cried some more on the way home and when I was talking to Linda. Heh, I even cried when I was talking to Daniel, but he was very nice that evening. I told him that he was probably getting tired of listening to me ramble, and he said that he would listen as long as I wanted to ramble.

This "not knowing" thing is hard, but I don't want to push it 'cause I'm not sure if he's quite ready for anything else at the moment.

Another thing that had been in my mind: A while back, Gerald and I had some conversation about how I had changed. How knowing Daniel had changed me and how it was a good thing. We came to a temporary decision that maybe he was part of the reason I moved here.

I've thought more about this recently. I know I was planning on moving here for grad school. The original plan was to finish my bachelors degree out at CSU Long Beach, then transfer out here for my Masters. I don't know what it was that pushed that decision up, but at the beginning of last year I just decided that it was a good time to move. So, I can't help but wonder if it's a fate thing, or something like that. All I do know is that I've never been more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. I came to that realization when I kissed him. I've never kissed anyone like that before and it felt so different, which is kinda scary 'cause it was definitely a good thing. And I'm sure that neither my dad, nor Linda want those details, so I'll keep those for my locked section.

I think right now, things are up in the air. It's nice though, that things aren't awkward or anything after all of that.

I'm also starting to lose track of what I was saying, so I'm gonna go to bed. I have to be up at a reasonable hour tomorrow anyway.

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