Monday, Oct. 06, 2003 ~ 12:08 a.m.

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I was driving home tonight and I was thinking. I was thinking about how there were so many things that I wanted to talk to Daniel about. So many things that weren't being said that probably should be said, but I don't want to push too hard.

His birthday was Friday. We went out to eat and friends met us at the restaurant a little later. I gave him one card there which was a "general" card, the amusing/funny/public card. Later that night, I left another card for him. This was the serious card that said things that I wanted to say, but wasn't sure if I should say.

I had told Linda that I couldn't find a card for him and she asked me if that was because I was "editing" there in the store. Whether I knew it at the time I was looking at the cards or not, I was "editing." I had that semi-shyness filter there. She fixed that by telling me that I wasn't allowed to "edit."

So, on Friday, I went back to Target to get the only card that really seemed to fit (after locking my keys in my car while it was running and playing out the helpless female role to a cop so he could open my car up for me.) Everything the card said was true, and the last bit of it was the most important. It said that I wanted him to be happy, I wanted to see the happiness in his eyes. That I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated always.

On the inside of the card, I mentioned how Linda said I wasn't allowed to edit and that I wanted those things I mentioned above because he deserves that. I also said something about how I would like to be the one to help him with those things, but if I wasn't, that's alright too. I told him that all of that was probably the last thing that he needed right now, but I wasn't allowed to "edit."

I was very afraid that the card was going to "scare" him off in a sense. But it hasn't. Things have changed a bit though. They're subtle, but very good changes I think. There's a slight difference in his eyes when he looks at me and he doesn't seem to be giving me as hard a time as usual anymore. He still gives me a hard time, just like I'm still going to give him a hard time. That's part of our natural interaction. It keeps things fun.

I guess it's just a matter of time now. Him and I are going to be going over to hang out with Liz and James on Thursday night. It should be fun and perhaps we'll get some talking in before the night is done.

Eventually him and I are going to talk about all of this.

This went on a completely different track than I was originally thinking, so I'll mention the original thought now.

I was thinking in the car that I wanted to write another one of my "letters" to get some of these thoughts out of my head. So far, Daniel's been the only one to see the "letter" that was written to him. Keith and Daniel Clemons have no idea that I have letters to them.

The more I thought about writing this "letter," the more it seemed wrong. If I had these thoughts about anyone else, I would do the letter, but with Daniel, I can't see doing that. I can't see not talking to him about it.

It's just one more thing to add to the list of how this relationship is so much more different than any other that I've been through. I just wish that he would hurry up and see what everyone else seems to see.

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