Randomness
Saturday, Oct. 11, 2003 ~ 3:40 a.m.
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In some ways it's nice to be on this sleep schedule. I miss most the daytime noises and the night is so much more peaceful, calming, etc. The only problem with the night is that most other people are sleeping, so if I wanted to call someone, I can't really do that without waking them up and that's just not nice. I called Bob earlier 'cause it was his birthday on the 10th. I wanted to talk to him some while I was driving around. I also called Linda and Daniel answered the phone. I was short with him on the phone and Linda was still laying with Lilly. I called back about 5 minutes later because it was bugging me. I needed to tell him that I was upset with him. I don't want to be one of those women who wait for the guy to figure out that she's mad at him for what-ever reason. Not with him. I know he knows I was upset 'cause of how I was on the phone. I gave him some hints. I told him that I had been driving for that last hour or so and that I had gone to the cemetery, but the hints weren't enough for me. I wanted him to know. When I called that second time, Linda answered 'cause Sara had called and she was on the phone with her. I called again at around midnight. Linda was off the phone, but Daniel had gone out to the store while she was on the phone. I asked Linda to leave a message for him to call me. He hasn't called, but I'm not going to jump to conclusions on that yet 'cause it's likely that he didn't see the message depending on where it was left and what he did after he got home and if he thought it might be too late to call 'cause he forgot that I'm up all night with these over night things. I don't know though. That particular statement sums up my thoughts on the relationship between Daniel and myself. I just don't know. My gut feeling is that it will all work out the way everyone thinks it will, but I still have many doubts caused by insecurities and uncertainty. After all my prior experiences with guys and possible relationships, it's hard to get past those negative thoughts and doubts that creep into my mind. But, it's equally as hard to give up and brush it aside to move on because of the gut feeling that goes along with this. I've tried to brush it aside and I failed. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~I'm watching Girl, Interrupted right now. I love this movie. It used to remind me why I didn't want to let myself get that far "down." Though sometimes I wished that I was that bad, that I could admit myself to an institution and "rest." I've gotten twinges of that old feeling again, but it's nothing compared to what it used to be. I still think of making that board, an inspiration board of sorts. A board of things I never want to be again. A board of places I never want to go again. I have diary entries to hang on the board from when I was my worst, and I have pictures to put up there. I'm not sure what else to put up there actually, but I'm sure as I make it some things will cry out to me, begging me to put them up there. I seem to be in my "looking inside" mood lately. I've been doing quite a bit of free writing. I'm hoping that this free writing will lead to some other writing. I'm almost bursting with images that want to come out on paper. I just lack the creativity to put them together in the semi-coherant sentence fragments that make up my poetry in most cases. It's getting to the point that my head is about to overflow though. You can tell by the way I type, the words I use and how I structure my sentences. Here lately it seems like my mind is a picture book, collecting images for future use. The strongest image at the moment is the cemetery from last night combined with the lake tonight. I'm going to go to the lake tomorrow night as well. I want to climb out onto the tree that's growing over the water. You know, there's nothing on TV at 4am. The only thing I've found that's remotely watchable (Girl, Interrupted is over now) is Conan O'Brien. I'm not even paying attention to it though. I wonder.... well, no. I forgot what I wonder. I think that I've exhausted the possibilities of this wandering ramble. That and I'm getting distracted by Robert. He's sending me very soothing, pretty music. And my contacts are bothering me, but those two things are not related in any way. I'm thinking that I'm going to go to bed here in a few 'cause I want to be able to not sleep all day so I can get some laundry done and go to bed a little earlier tomorrow evening. I'm going to get up earlier on Sunday and head over to watch a movie or two with Linda in the am before she goes to work and I have to go to MD. Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I think I'll leave it at that. Good night, sleep and dream well. 0 comments so far   
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