Free Write and guys
Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2004 ~ 2:14 p.m.
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I cannot believe it's November already. This year has pretty much flown by, but it seems that the years get into habits of doing that the older you get. Heh. I sound all sorts of relfective and such. Or something. I'm a little sleepy, but that's because I'm still not really sleeping well. I don't think there's really any reason for it at all actually. Last time it was because I was fighting with myself over what I wanted to do about my relationship with Daniel. I'm extremely happy with Mike and there's not really anything that I want to change. He's actually willing to come to my Dad's house for Thanksgiving. I'll probably be asking my dad about it sometime this week. I just tried calling Mike's and my friend Aaron, but he's not answering his phone and I don't want to leave a message because his fiancee, Sam, seems to think that I want to steal him from her or something. I like Aaron and all, but, even before I was with Mike, I never intended to do anything of the sort. It just amazes me that some people can be so paranoid about their significant others. To me (and this is just my opinion on the matter in general), it shows a lack of trust in the other individual. Sometimes that feeling can be justified. Say for example, that person had trusted before and had that trust taken advantage of. Then I could see how they might have some trouble getting over that, and in the beginning, they might be a little paranoid. But, after a while, the other person should be able to earn the trust. This whole "people" and "other people" thing gets a little confusing I think. I personally have trust issues. Not a lot, mind you, just some. I've never really been hurt like a lot of other people have. I think the reason for that is because I have guarded myself so well, that no one had the chance to get in where they could hurt me. Well, no one except Keith, my childhood bestfriend. But, that experience was mostly my own doing. I wanted him to be more than he was, and after a time, I took a chance and told him so. I said it was mostly my doing because there were better ways that he could have responded. Or he could have just simply responded. The problem was that he didn't. And, that was probably what hurt the most out of everything. My best friend had been lost to me and there was nothing I could do about it. It took a very, very long time before I put myself back out there. That was Randy's purpose. He's been the only other person that I really put myself out there like that for and he handled it much nicer. We actually talked and nothing was awkward between us after that. After Randy was Daniel #1. That was a fairly bad experience, but it wasn't really meant to be either. I kept missing the hints that the universe was throwing out there. After that, I don't really think that there was anyone until Daniel #2. No one that pops into my mind anyway. Daniel #2, being my first real boyfriend, served as a balance for me. He gave me good experiences to balance out almost everything that I felt had been "wrong" in my life. Well, not everything, but almost. He helped me believe in myself and helped me realize that maybe I can be with someone. Before him, I could never really see myself in a relationship with anyone actually. I just couldn't see being a part of someone like that. Being with him was nice for a while, but in time, I grew restless. I wanted it to progress, even just a little bit and he wasn't ready for that. I stayed for quite a bit longer than I probably should have because I didn't think I had the courage to end it. I didn't think I had that kind of strength. I did though. I didn't cry that much, but I cried plenty when I got back home. Other than the fact that it didn't work out, it was an extremely successful relationship in my books. We both knew that it wasn't working, and that it had to end. We're friends now and we get along really well when we're together. It's like it went back to being how it was before we "got together" and that's very nice. After Daniel, I had a fling. Another one of those things that I never thought that I could do, but I did. That didn't last too long. I'd say until I met Mike, but I had known Mike for a while by then. It lasted until Mike and I had our conversation about how we both felt about each other and that we should just go and make everyone who "knew it was gonna happen" happy. And make ourselves happy in the process 'cause neither one of us really care what other people think of the thing. Yeah, so I didn't mean for this to turn into a summary of guys or something, but it seems to have done that. See what happens when I sit down to do a freewriting? 'til then. Blessed Be. 0 comments so far   
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