wandering
Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 ~ 10:54 p.m.
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I've spent the better part of this evening writing in my head while I was driving around. I ended up in Wilmington tonight because I decided to drive north instead of the usual south. Since I found myself in Wilmington, I decided to try to find the North Wilmington Lowe's store. After a good long while and a little help from Linda, I found it. Rob wasn't working, but Derrol and Dave Harris were. I met Derrol while in Maryland, and Dave was down in Richmond with us. Rob and Kevin (the other Richmond guys) both had opened, so neither of them were there. Dave said I had to come back and bother them from time to time, which I'm sure I'll do because I'd like to see Rob again. I attempted to find the Christiana store to talk to Matt, but I never found it. Of course I did find out that Matt had moved from Appliances to Delivery, so he wouldn't have been there anyway. But anyway. I mentioned that I had been writing in my head for the better part of the evening. I wasn't writing poems or stories. I was writing a letter. At least, I was writing parts of this letter. I'm still debating whether I want to try to write this letter. It would go in here because at least then I would know that someone would read it. I've tried emailing Daniel things before, but I never know if he gets them or anything because I never hear anything about it. I don't know if it's gone straight to his junk mail box because he usually has his security settings very high. Why don't I just go talk to him? Because he's shut me out. He's shut himself inside and the conversation would be very one sided. If it's going to be one sided anyway, I might as well take the time to really say what I want to. I should get the words right so there's no way that they can be misread. I've always been better at expressing myself in writing than I have in spoken words. I understand that he's unhappy with how things are in his life right now. I just want him to talk to me. Knowing that he's unhappy is hard enough on me. His silence is just making things worse. But even with all of that, knowing that I'll most likely feel worse after being around him, I still ask him to do things. I asked him if he wanted to go to the drive-in on Wednesday to see the last Matrix movie because he was watching Lilly and she'd do better in the car than in a theater. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days he won't be silent anymore, and that's why I keep putting myself through that. I just don't know anymore. Sometimes I just want to give up. I want to tell him that I've given up for now. I want him to know that I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to try. I try so hard and he doesn't see any of it. I think he's still so blinded by his past that he's not willing to see anything but the loss of something that made him unhappy more often than not. I'm listening to my Linkin Park CD, Meteora, right now. Which, if you've heard it, is fairly decent "emotional" music. "Emotional" meaning angry/frustrated/etc music. This song is one that seems to say a lot of what I'm wanting to say. Don't Stay Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need you to go Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need to be alone Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay I don�t need you anymore, I don�t want to be ignored
I don�t need one more day, of you wasting me away
I don�t need you anymore, I don�t want to be ignored
I don�t need one more day, of you wasting me away
With no apologies Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay Don't stay Don't stay So yeah. This apparently has turned into a vent session about Daniel and I should go before I end up upsetting myself. I don't need to cry the night before I start my new job. 0 comments so far   
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