a sudden change (xaela)
Friday, Dec. 20, 2002 ~ 9:18 a.m.

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Funny things happen sometimes. Well, not exactly funny, but you know what I mean.

I've been on D'land for a little over two years now, but as you can see, this is a new diary. I never really thought that I'd have to change diaries, and maybe I don't really, but I feel like I do. I had always said in my other diary, that I liked it because I didn't feel I had to edit my thoughts in any way. The only people who knew it was there were the people I either didn't know in person, or the very select few that I knew and trusted with the information. It was not intended for my family (other than my brother William) to view. And, even then, I don't think he ever took the time to check if I updated at all.

Anyway, none of that even begins to tell why I switched diaries.

I recently moved across the country to live with my dad. Since that time, I've felt better and I've been happier I think. I didn't feel that way right from the start, but I made the decision to finally "be" what I had always had an interest in. I'm wiccan. It just feels right. Nothing else has ever felt right, but this does, and deep down, I think I've always been a wiccan.

Because that choice made me feel different, I put it in my diary (as one tends to do in a diary whether it's public or not). What I didn't know at the time was that my stepmother was going to find it and email me about it. It probably would have been fine if I hadn't known that she knew. Now things here are going to be awkward. I know that both her and my dad know (which kills me) and that they're "disappointed" or something. They're christians and they just don't like "witchcraft."

I guess what I really wanted to get to was why I chose to believe what I do. And I promise that my entries are not all like this.

Wicca/witchcraft is a relationship with nature. It's a belief based on tolerance as well as "cause and effect"/"action and reaction." It's one where we know that not everyone is going to believe the same thing as we do, but that's alright. Everyone is free to believe what they wish without the judging of others. I happen to feel the same way. I'm not prejudice in any way, shape or form. I was raised in a very culturally diverse state by parents who had no prejudices to pass on to me or my brother.

I sort of wish that I had somewhere else to go here instead of being trapped without anyone but a family who disapproves of a part of me. I guess that's what I get for making my diary accessible through my webpage, but now it's not, and it's completely separate from any of my stuff online.

Heh, I almost wish that I could just pack up my stuff and just leave. Maybe go up to my cousins place in New York, but I have way too much stuff to take in my car. Now, I wish more than ever I was going to be with my mother for Christmas. I'm sort of wondering why I made the decision to leave California now.

I do have one person here that I can talk to. She's actually one of my managers at work. I found out last night that she's wiccan as well, and I just like her. We get along extremely well. I can't escape to her house or anything, but I can talk to her and her son.

This entry is starting to fade and get stuck, so I think I'm going to cut it off. Within the next couple days I should get this diary looking much, much better.

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