friends and stress and things similar
Monday, Aug. 28, 2006 ~ 10:05 p.m.
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Lately I've been wanting to write. I've been feeling particularily melancholy lately. It all stems from the fact that I feel very alone. This alone-ness has nothing to do with the part of me that belongs with Mike. Mike (at the risk of sounding like a porn movie) fills up the only part of me that he can (and I really don't mean it in a literal sense). As it's written in the books that I'm reading. Women need friends. They need other women to be around, to gossip with, and generally just be girls. Between the two fairly decent blows I've gotten to my friendships in the time that I've been in Delaware, I feel like I'm retreating. I feel like I'm holding myself back from people. The first one of those "blows" may be on it's way to fix itself, but it's hard to do that after so much silence, and it still hurts to think about how it happened. I was explaining the situation to Terrence at work today after we got to talking about what Mike and I did for fun, and I still felt very sad about the whole thing. The second one probably did a bit more relavent damage. I wasn't even aware that she disliked me like she did. She's best friends with another of my friends, so I find it difficult for some reason. It's that one that's damaged my trust in people and my trust in my own intuition. I don't trust myself to know if someone is really a friend or if they're just pretending. I've become very defensive and not true to myself when I'm out and about. Of course, it could just be that I don't care to try anymore. It could also be that I'm very unhappy with my job at the moment. I'm reluctant to leave though because in another two months, I get another two weeks of vacation. In another month, I'm taking my second week of vacation from this past year and I'll be out of the store for 12 days. I'm also reluctant to leave because I'll have been there for 3 years in November and I've seen the ups and downs. I've survived them so far, but things just continue to get worse. I wish that someone would notice that there was a problem with the way the store is being run. There have been multiple associates who have transfered to our store (after being with the company for 5, 6, 7 or even 11 years) that have quit after being there for a few months (at most). I keep thinking that things might change soon. Maybe some lightbulb will come on and someone would clean out the store to start fresh. Our store manager is a neighbor to our district manager and that may be part of the selective blindness that man has. I don't know though. What it boils down to is that I dread going to work in the morning. I keep the thought constantly running through my head of "I only have __ days until my next day off." I'm just tired of all the childishness that goes on there. I'm tired of fixing everyone elses problems. I'm tired of being expected to do everything without any sort of pat on the back. But, I'm also too kind to ignore it. I'm not going to let Debbie flounder up there without any help. She's an 11 year associate who's on the verge of quitting because of Aaron and Herb. She's struggling to deal with a broken ankle (and all the doctors appointments and therapy that go along with that) and learning a completely new computer system while she's trying to fix customer's install issues in that system. I'm rambling. I think I'm going to change the sheets on the bed. We bought a satin sheet set last night and I want to put it on the bed. I almost can't wait until November. My plan is to write in smaller sessions (unless of course a wave of inspiration hits me and I write the day's section all at once). Anyway. I need to find my pendulum and it might help me out immensely. There are many questions which it might be able to shed some light upon. I'm going to go on and do something else now before I start rambling on about something else that will bore people to tears. 'til then. Blessed Be. 0 comments so far   
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