Marriage and Growing Old
Monday, Mar. 11, 2002 ~ 9:36 p.m.
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I didn't get to ask the questions I wanted to ask today, and I was trying to figure out if I still wanted to talk about it, and I think I might, but first, I had a dream last night that I wanted to put in here. It won't be as long as some of the other dreams (well, most the other dreams that have been in here . . . maybe I should put together a page that lists all the entries that I've typed out my dreams . . . maybe I'll do that on my days off this week).
Basically, I was out with a bunch of friends and Chris was there. We were just doing normal friend-hanging-out stuff, nothing super exciting. Anyway, Chris kept coming and going and (like in the waking world) my attention was totally focused on him. A friend of mine saw this and the last time Chris came in, this friend (it was a guy friend I think) told Chris that I had something to tell him . . . that I was dying to tell him something. I think I just about died. That is, just up until Chris came over and took my hand in his. He said that we had to talk, so I got up and walked outside with him. He was still holding my hand, and I found myself reliving the conversation that Randy and I had so very long ago. Chris basically told me that he knew I liked him and he loved that, but he just couldn't be in a relationship or really date anyone, then he smiled, let my hand go, turned and walked away. It was about then that I woke up. I felt very quiet this morning . . . very quiet.
So, on to the other topic. My friend, Alicia, and I were talking yesterday, and she was saying something about how she never wanted to get married again. Sure, she'd probably fall in love and all that, but she never wants to get married again. And then there's me. I don't not want to get married. In fact, I'd love to have someone to come home to, someone that I could talk to about anything, and I'd love a wedding (yeah, a nice girly wedding too . . . so there). But, I don't think that'll ever happen. I can't see it happening, and I tend to have a pretty good imagination. Alicia's not the only one who doesn't want to get married again. My department head, Janet, is afraid to get married again. I guess her first husband didn't treat her right at all. I remember back when I first came into the department, she had her two year anniversary with her boyfriend. She said that he had really scared her because he had asked her to marry him. They had talked about it before, so he understood when she said she couldn't. What all of this led up to was the idea that there might be a lot of really old unmarried people when we're seniors. There are plenty of people getting married for the wrong reasons, and they end up getting divorced, then they're very protective of their hearts and feelings and such. Then of course, there's those of us who are making no effort what-so-ever in finding someone, and then there's the one's too caught up with working to make time for love. We figured that one of two things would be true when we get older. Either there will be lots of single seniors, or we'll settle for "just good enough" once we start to realize that time's running out. For me, they're both really, really depressing, especially if I'm right about not getting married. I'll grow old alone unless I chose to adopt a child, which is really the only way that I'll have any children. That's the other thing. I don't think I want kids. At least I don't feel that need to have my own children. I think there's enough kids out there who don't have loving parents and who need them. So, if I don't have children, and if I don't get married, I think I'll be in trouble. The only family that I'll have will be my brothers' families and their children. There will be no one but myself to keep me young.
I think I'm afraid to grow old. Growing old will mean being unable to do all that I can now. It'll mean watching my parents grow old and die (unless they find the secret of immortality by then). It'll mean watching my mother grow old and die (which if you've read this entry, you know that scares the shit out of me. Even thinking about her not being alive makes me want to just cry). It'll mean watching my father grow old and die. That's probably part of the reason that I'm moving over to live near him. I'm afraid to lose the time I have left with him. I've never lived with him (except for when my parents were together after I was born . . . which was about 6 months, so it doesn't really count) and I've already lost a brother over there. My father's not old, not really. My little brother keeps him feeling young, and he feels young most the time. I think he feels his age when his heart starts acting up. His heart is the main reason I'm afraid to lose anymore time with him. We've already lost 22 years. He saw me grow up through pictures and yearly visits. It breaks my heart to know that after missing everything with me, he was robbed of watching another of his children grow up. I guess I have many reasons to move near him, and none of them are for me. They're nearly all for my father, and the ones that aren't are for my little 8 year old brother, Joshua.
Heh . . . I think I warned you all yesterday that this might be a bit depressing, and I think it succeeded. All these thought have made me cry. I really didn't want to cry tonight 'cause I have to work early tomorrow and now I'll have puffy eyes when I get there. 0 comments so far   
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