Catch Up
06-21-01 ~ 2:39 a.m.
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It's June 21st already. That's hard to believe. The year seems to be flying by, and there's not much to do to slow it down. I turn 22 in a month and 8 days now, but there's not really any need to discuss that. It's been quite a while since I updated this, and there's a few reasons for that. One reason is the ISP/diaryland problem that seems to be better now, though we'll see about that . . . Another is that I was never really out of the slump that I was in when I wrote the last entry . . . it wasn't that I always thought about Daniel per se, but the feeling that went along with that "letter" was still there . . . the "I want to do something, but it's time to let go" or the "I want to do something, but I don't have the guts" feeling . . . In a way, that feeling is still there . . . sometimes I think that it'll always be there.
I decided to watch a movie tonight . . . big surprise . . . I've been doing a lot of that lately . . . I've not been online much at all really . . . Anyway, I watched Titanic. I'm not really sure why I chose that movie, but I think it had something to do with how I've been feeling lately. I think I wanted to cry, and so I chose a movie that I knew made me cry (yes, I'm a sap . . . *smiles*).
Work's been going really good . . . "The List" (as Rodney and I now call it) is down to 4 people. It seems that the more people I meet in the store, the smaller the list gets. I had my 90 day review, and it went really good . . . I got all good stuff on the review . . . and they commented on how I'm never in a bad mood . . . or a down mood . . . I'm always in a good mood . . . sometimes I don't really know how I do that . . . I'm just glad that I enjoy working with most the people I do work with I just told someone that I'm talking to that I'm not a very expressive person, but I can always manage to smile no matter what I'm feeling . . . and it's a genuine smile . . . it's not one of those fake "plastic" smiles.
My brother graduated from high school almost a week ago . . . that's a little hard to swallow right there for some reason . . . that means that I've been out of high school for a little over 4 years . . . the ceremony made me cry a few times . . . not very much though . . . not enough for anyone to notice . . . I guess that's 'cause I do have a few regrets when it comes to high school, and that time period. The biggest one is the whole Keith situation . . . I only thought about it again 'cause the other day/night I had a dream . . . and it was a long dream . . . . there was a party . . . and a jazz group playing there . . . all the players (except 3) were from Wood . . . . and one of them was Keith . . . he smiled at me . . . then after they played, I went up and gave them all a hug . . . except Keith . . . when I got to him, he pushed me away . . . and told me to leave him alone . . . that kinda brought back those feelings of being shoved into the background and forgotten . . . or ignored by someone I thought I loved . . . and it hurt when I woke up from that dream . . . it still hurts now when I'm sitting here typing about it. It's like I can feel it in my throat . . . that lump . . . like you're about to cry, but you aren't really . . . I don't know what it's like really . . . it's a lump . . . but it's a hollow part of you at the same time . . . it hurts.
I'm not sure what I really wanted to talk about in this entry . . . and I don't think I ever got to it . . . . I think maybe I started getting to it, then (like normal) went off on some sort of tangent every time . . . and the more tangents I went on, the farther away that I got . . . and that doesn't help much when you don't know what you originally wanted to talk about anyway . . . But I think I'm gonna go to bed now . . . I've been typing for almost an hour, even though it doesn't seem like it. 0 comments so far   
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