04-13-01 ~ 10:11 p.m.

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Bleh . . .

My mood tonight is somewhat undescribable. I can't say why though. I can't very well state that which I don't know now can I? Of course not.

The last few days have been busy for me which is why I haven't had much of a chance to write up anything in the way of an entry. But here I am now . . .

Most of my time today has been spent finishing my 10th book in the past two weeks . . . I only have two more to go before I'm done with the series again.

I think it's been a good thing for me to read since the little voice in my head, or the inspiration of my writings if you will, has started to wake up again.

That may sound rather strange, so perhaps I'll explain how I usually go about with writing.

I'll be doing something (it doesn't really matter what I'm doing) and then my mind will sort of wander and I'll start talking to myself silently within my mind. I don't think I've ever . . . . well, no . . . that's not true . . . I do speak my way through poems sometimes, though I don't think anyone's ever heard me do that. I'm thinking that it'd be rather hard to explain to someone.

At any rate . . . that's the process by which I write . . . and in these last few days the little voice has been feeding me ideas for a character post at Exodus, not so much getting back to my stories, but it's a start I suppose.

There's not much to say since I haven't done much but "train" and go to work . . . I have actually worked one day at my own store . . . The final days in training were taken up by tests . . . we had a written one (which I got 100% on) and a test cart that we had to ring for accuracy testing . . . we had to pass that by 97% . . . I got 100% accuracy and was fairly quick about it . . . but that's alright . . .

I had a few dreams lately . . . only one that I remember with any great detail though and that was two nights ago . . . the night/morning before my first day at my own store . . . I also had another one last night, but the only thing I can really remember of it was that it involved Damie and Gera (two characters that I RP with). It was the actual characters and not the typists . . . I also remember that they were getting along well, like they had patched whatever had come between them . . . and Damie was seated on some sort of ledge . . . but that's all about that . . .

The dream the other night was much more detailed . . . or at least I can remember the details, even after having dreamt about other things that were totally unrelated.

I'm almost convinced that if I took the time and effort to go about analyzing the dream, it might prove to be important, but I don't know how to even start doing that. So, for now I'll just have to settle with typing it out.

I started writing it out by hand, but that just doesn't seem to be the same, and it has nothing to do with the ease of editing, because I don't see much point in editing a diary entry due to the fact that you'd be editing your own thoughts.

I don't like to even think about editing my posts/entries.

If you edit an entry, then you're robbing your thought from you. I'd rather just let my mind run free, and be able to come back to it and learn from it later.

There's a lot about the mind that we don't know, and if you're able to just let it wander, then you open yourself up to all sorts of possibilities. If you edit and delete, then you're taking away the raw purity of them. Perhaps there was a reason they came out the way they did . . . I've never once edited an entry . . . not even the entry from March 31st when I typed out two or so entries from back in August . . . I was almost tempted to edit them for grammer and the like, but decided that if I did that, they'd lose some of the emotion that was used to write them, and that would defeat the purpose of writing them . . .

I was reading Elagabalus's diary tonight, and I found it very interesting . . . in the entry linked above, he went on about how pregnancy was a sexually transmitted disease . . . and the way he explained it was very convincing

I only mentioned it 'cause it reminded me of something someone once put in my site's guest book a long time back (when it was still at Geocities).

I had a space in my guest book for people to define what normal meant to them.

My personal opinion is that "normal" doesn't really have a definition, but I got some rather interesting answers in that little space . . .

One of them, by SoulsReach, was:

"Life: A sexually trasmitted disease that is 100% fatal."

It's not precisely the same as Patrick's entry, but it's extremely similar . . . they just deal with different aspects of the same thing.

I suppose I've babbled enough about nothing in particular . . . and the most interesting part of this entry is bound to be the dream description, so I guess I shouldn't keep you waiting any longer.

The first thing that I saw was a room. It was completely this pale blue color. Almost as if everything in it had been painted that color. It looked very sterile to me, and I seemed to be looking at it from the outside. It was almost as if the walls were half windows and half wall, kinda like walls for viewing patients in hospitals, where the bottom of the wall is wall and the top half is clear glass.

Maybe the whole "hospital" mentality helped with the "sterile" feel the scene had to it.

There was one wall in the room that wasn't this strange half wall/half window thing, but that was devoid of anything but paint.

Then I saw a table in the room along with it's three chairs. Next thing I know, I'm in a chair, and there's two other people in the other chairs. I look at them and realize it's my step dad and my brother, William.

I began to realize that the room wasn't really painted a pale blue color. The almost uniformity of the color in the room was the effect of being bathed in a pale blue light. The light managed to wash out most colors, including those on my step dad, my brother and myself.

Up to that point the table had been empty, but when I looked back down, there were two snakes there. One snake was long and slender with a strangely shaped head for a snake. I can't think what animal it reminded me of, though it may have reminded me vaguely of the shape of a ferrets head, but that's beside the point. That snake was striped, or perhaps banded is a better word, alternating dark brown and a cream color. It's strange shaped head though was completely dark brown.

The other snake was much different though. It was short and fat. It too was striped, but it's stripes ran length wise and were much thinner. The main color on this second snake was a flourescent orange color. The secondary color for it's stripes was white.

It's color wasn't the strangest thing about the snake though. It had a mouth-like opening at it's tail. I watched in amazement as this second snake decided that it wanted to be on the other side of the brown snake (who was laying behind it) and to do so, it opened up this rear mouth and seemed to swallow the brown snake, but the short snake passed over the brown snake with ease. When it finished passing over the longer snake, the features of the orange snake were revered. The "mouth" that had once been at the rear of the snake was now a part of it's head, and what once was it's head was then it's tail.

The next thing shocks me now, but it didn't really shock me so much in the dream. I do remember feeling that it was an odd thing though. My step dad reached out and picked up the orange snake, then the three of us went out of the room and outside.

It seems as if this room was inside my old house up in northern California. When we came outside, we were in the cul-de-sac that my old house was on.

My brother was noticably younger, perhaps the age that he had been when we moved from there.

Anyway, the three of us went out to practice juggling. I remember juggling brass pipe fittings for some reason. At this point, my step dad didn't have the snake with him anymore.

My step dad was trying to show off and catch all his fitting's in his mouth when one of our old neighbors, Robbie (also looking the age he was when we left instead of when I last saw him), came riding his bike off the sidewalk and my brother went off with him.

I was wearing my really pretty, flowy, expensive black skirt and I heard someone else I used to live by come out of her house. Divina had a some what large dog with her when I came over to see her. Once I got there though, the dog took off in the general direction of the house across the street. Divina and I went off after him.

I remember my brother and Robbie playing in the next yard over when Divina and I reached the yard the dog ran off into. The sprinklers were on , and I didn't want to get my skirt wet.

Divina and I fell onto the grass for some reason, and I remember worrying about my skirt for a moment until I saw my step dad come over. There was a row of bushes betweent he yard Divina and I were in and the yard my brother and Robbie were in. My step dad went to the bushes, leaned over and picked up the lean brown-striped snake and said, "You don't need to be that close to her," then he carried her away.

I knew that the "her" wasn't refering to me or Divina, but to some little girl who also lived near us for a time.

And that's the end of it . . . rather strange . . . but most dreams are.

For now though, I think I'll go and see if I can go dream some more. I've been typing for a while, and I'm tired now.

Until then


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